The Road to Xibalba

Curtain Call

2006-10-01T09:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm all done with Blogger now. I have transferred everything all the postings from here to my new site and will be upgrading it as needed. The site addie is

here.

And don't give me any shit about my site being down, I work and go to school so I am doing the best I can.

The BBC is Watching?!

2006-07-22T08:08:00.000-07:00

I just read an article on BBC.com that I found especially interesting…it was written by David Pearle who seems to be a rather important editor there and it was about bloggers. It seems that some of us have the misguided belief that what we put on the web is somehow invisible to the rest of the world (I often get that idea due to the lack of response I get) and that when someone like him reads and responds to your postings about his network it is “spooky.”

Can I get a loud and thunderous “What the fuck? Over…”?

I fucking WISH that someone like an editor from BBC was reading and commenting on my shit. Blogging isn’t invisible, it’s not a closed community, and if you don’t want other people reading it, don’t post it on the gotdamn Web. A simple Google search will turn up damn near any name in the phone book, why won’t it find your silly-ass Blog?

Head North

2006-06-18T08:59:00.000-07:00

The end of the American Dream is here. The forces of cowardice, greed, and stupidity have won and America is slding faster and faster into oppression and fascism with the support and encouragement of her citizens.

All you have to say is "It will stop terrorism" and you can get it banned. "Do you want another 9/11?" is the ready made answer for EVERY political fight. Online casinos based in the Caribbean, counterfeit handbags made in Korea, bootleg DVD's made in China, marijuana grown in Mexico, cocaine from Columbia....all of these support Middle Eastern terrorists, the sales of oil and natural gas from actual Middle Eastern nations? Naaaaah, that doesn't support terrorism!

This is a nation of cowards. Useless, worthless, Ipod obsessed pussies who are gladly giving up their freedom in exchange for alleged safety. This entire nation makes me sick to my fucking stomach on a daily fucking basis. America has been described like a retarded French Revolution with the peasents demanding MORE power for the elite, MORE privileges for the WEALTHY, and LESS freedom for themselves.

But hey, as long as the queers can't get married, I guess we're all okay, right? Fuck you America.

Fascism Watch

2006-06-08T17:16:00.000-07:00

The forces of Fascism are getting stronger by the day. The latest fall comes from Governor Christine Gregoire (D) of Washington State.

Poker Playing Terrorist Felons

Now, it is just a coincidence that Washington State has a thriving casino industry (card games only unless you are an Indian Casino), and poker tournaments abound. You see, they are not attacking online casino's that don't give the state a cut of the money, they are trying to stop terrorists. How will they prosecute? With your financial records that the banks and credit unions will be forced to give up when they investigate you.

That sound you hear is another of your civil liberties falling away.

You want something outlawed in this country? Just say you are fighting terrorism and you will get it passed.

The Rapture Approaches

2006-06-05T07:11:00.000-07:00

Or so they would have us believe...yes, ladies and gentlemen, once again "THE END IS NIGH!!!!" Tomorrow is the 6th day of the 6th month of the 6th year of the new millenium and THIS TIME it is REALLY over! No bullshit, God is REALLY going to call the faithful to Heaven and the Antichrist will rule the earth.

Unless it doesn't happen again.

Personally, Mogadishu Jones is not a Christian, but he sure fucking likes a good disaster movie! I am not sure how I would react if this was the end of the world, but I don't think it would upset me overly much. For one thing, I wouldn't be making mortgage payments anymore. I'd just shoot the shit out of anyone who attempts to repo my car or my home.

And would the world REALLY be that bad without Christians running around? I somehow doubt it would, really. No one telling you that having sex doggy-style is wrong, no 0ne telling you that you can't eat meat on Friday EXCEPT under SPECIAL DISPENSATION because your football team won the Championship (I'm not kidding, that shit really does happen), no one promoting slavery and intolerance and excusing it by saying "The Bible clearly states...." Oh, and the lack of Christians would be a giant leap forward for Peace in the Middle East since that would be one less faction to fight over Jerusalem and Bethlehem.

And remember what Nietzche had to say on the subject: "Do you know what is missing in Heaven? All the interesting people."

I don't expect tomorrow to be any different from yesterday, really...but it is a grand idea that maybe the world WILL come to an end, isn't it? Maybe the next time we will get it right.

Super Political Correctness

2006-05-31T17:30:00.000-07:00

So I was reading the BBC news yesterday and I found an interesting article that the Gun Moll had set aside for me to view...it seems that DC Comics is re-introducing Batwoman to the world. For those of you who are unfamiliar with her, there is a reason for it: although she was created in 1956 she was killed in 1979 and has not been heard from since, a rarity in the comics industry where death is a VERY temporary inconvenience for damn near EVERY character. What makes this case so interesting, however, is that she will be returning as a Lipstick Lesbian (as if anyone wants to see the normal variety) in a world without a Superman, Wonder Woman, or any other real superheros apparently.
And her case is not unique, apparently.
DC's corporate suits have decided that it is time to exploit the minority comic book readers by changing the ethnicity/sexuality of many of their characters, unfortunately not waiting for many of them to die and vanish from the public consciousness for 27 years first. On the list for change is:
Firestorm the Nuclear Man who will now be: Firestorm the Black Man.
Blue Beetle who will now be: Blue Beetle the Mexican.
The Atom who will now be: The Atomic Asian.
Don't get me wrong, I am all in favor of diversity, but for fuck's sake, people, do it RIGHT. Try creating NEW characters, or, barring that, how about you use dead characters whose costumed id's are taken over by young up and comers, ala Hobgoblin in Marvel's Spiderman comics? Or, how about the current character come out of the closet, if that is the change you are seeking?
Of course, none of this truly matters to me since I stopped reading comics a long time ago, but the principle is still there.

The Sounds of Silence

2006-05-28T17:12:00.000-07:00

America is going down in flaming ruins and no one seems to care...or do they? I saw a great editorial on wired.com about the need for a revolution, so I know I am not alone, and that makes me feel better. The Mind, email me and I will give you an address you can visit, the same to others of a similar mind.

I have watched South America with great interest of late, and more and more countries south of Texas are voting AGAINST this Democracy of Hypocrisy (as Eminem so aptly put it) that we call America. This, of course, will mean higher prices for bananas, coffee, and any other products we get from out neighbors from the South, but I don't care since I actually do support human rights instead of corporate rights. Viva Chavez!

Protesters have marched on AT&T for Ma Bell's continued abuse of her children, and the Bush Administration continues to slide downwards making such last-ditch efforts at saving face as an absurd PR campaign for Guantanomo Bay as saying that detainies the injuries detainines are most likely to suffer will be sports-related as they enjoy the sunshine while playing a game of hoops.

I'm mostly just hoping for an Extinction Level Event to wipe us all out, but until then I will leave you with the immortal words of John "Ozzy" Osbourne and a song that remains as timely now as when he first recorded it for his "Bark at the Moon" album.

Rock 'N' Roll Rebel

[Osbourne]

They couldn't see what I thought would be so obvious
They hide behind the laws they made for all of us
The ministry of truth that deals with pretense
The ministry of peace that sits on defense
I'm washing my hands of what they're trying to do
It's for me, it's for me, it's for you, it's for you

I'm just a rock 'n' roll rebel
I'll tell you no lies
They say I worship the devil
They must be stupid or blind
I'm just a rock 'n' roll rebel

They live a life of fear and insecurity
And all you do is pay for their prosperity
The ministry of fear that won't let you live
The ministry of grace that doesn't forgive
Do what you will to try and make me conform
I'll make you wish that you had never been born

Cause I'm a rock 'n' roll rebel
I'll do what I please
Yes I'm a rock 'n' roll rebel
And I'm as free as the breeze
I'm just a rock 'n' roll rebel

They'll try playin' win your heart
They know it rules your head
If they could read between the lines
You know they'd see the real day

God only knows why they couldn't see the obvious
Is it because they manifest the incubus
The ministry of war that got caught in the draft
The ministry of joy that still hasn't laughed
When it's all boiled down and the day's at an end
I'll give you no bullshit and I'll never pretend

(Repeat chorus)

This Is War

2006-05-21T17:18:00.000-07:00

Let it be known on this day of Sunday the 21st of May, 2006 that Mogadishu Jones is declaring war on the enemies of freedom, democracy, and intelligent thought. For far too long I have sat idly by and watched as America has been over-run by the forces of stupidity, duplicity, and deceit. No more. I will now lay out the casis belli, my roster of complaints and those I deem accountable for these misdeeds, the miscreants who must be brought to justice.

1. When France and Germany refused to follow President Sidious in his mad ambition to invade the sovereign nation of Iraq on flimsy, mostly non-existent evidence of an imminent threat to American security our government's response was both petty and childish. These staunch allies were called the "Axis of Weasels" by members of our Congress, and the Capitol Hill cafeteria was ordered to change the name of French fries to Freedom Fries, an appallingly moronic response. And since the aforementioned program of "weapons of mass destruction" failed to materialize, I have yet to hear an apology to either of those nations.

2. The passage of the so-called "Patriot Act" one of the most mis-named documents in the history of America was rushed through our Congress with only 6 members actually reading the document in question. The broad powers that the government of the United States was granted by that document are nothing less than appalling and the rationale for it's passage is sickening: "Do you want another 9/11 attack?" As is shredding the Constitution and the Bill of Rights will save us.

3. The United States government "partnered" with the automakers of Detroit to build a hybrid vehicle, subsidizing them to a tune of over $1 billion dollars. We still have no such vehicle and Japan has no less than 3.

4. The NSA has refused to allow the Justice Department to investigate the NSA's wiretapping program, effectively hamstringing any form of investigation and our government leaders just shrug and say "Do you want another 9/11 attack?".

5. The United States government operates secret prisons in Eastern Europe where we torture people who have not been legally arrested, charged with crimes, allowed access to attorneys, or even acknowledged to be in custody. The rationale for violating US and international laws? "Do you want another 9/11 attack?"

6. The United States government refuses to acknowledge the voice of the people, the Democratic process known as voting. When the people of California and Oregon voted to provide marijuana for medical purposes the government said "Go fuck yourselves and your vote, we are the Fed and we do not have to listen to you." and continued to arrest pot growers and providers, many of whom are terminally ill.

7. The NSA collected the records of billions of telephone calls made in America, identifying who called whom from where and for how long. The rationale is a familiar one "Do you want another 9/11 attack?"

8. Since the United States of America illegally invaded the sovereign nation of Iraq violence against women in that country has exploded with upwards of 200% more cases being reported as Kurdish tribes and Shiites enforce their strict interpretation of Sharia law on those around them.

9. In defiance of common sense and basic reasoning the US government warned its people that to protect themselves from an attack by terrorists using anthrax they should seal their homes with plastic and duct tape. 6 people died of suffocation as a result.

10. CBS was fined over $200 million dollars because Janet Jackson bared a nipple on live television thus putting morality in danger. The US mining industry has been fined $20,000 for putting people's lives in danger.

11. The US government is financing its illegal war in Iraq by gutting the educational system, the social welfare system, any program designed to help the poor and needy in short. And the rationale? "Do you want another 9/11?"

12. The US government has arrested Iraqi women to put pressure on their husbands, sons, brothers, and fathers because they are "suspected" of being part of the insurgency.

13. American soldiers are practicing torture on a regular basis and claiming that they "are just following orders." The Nazi's said the same thing, and I never thought I would compare my fellow soldiers with Nazis but that day has come.

I can continue to list my grievances, but I feel that this short list should suffice to explain why this government should be called into account. Now I will name some of the chief perpetrators of these hideous crimes.

1. Karl Rove the mastermind behind the Republican Contract on America.

2. Dick Cheney is the former head of Haliburton Corporation, the same corporation that got numerous lucrative no-bid contracts to build "temporary" bases in Iraq and Afghanistan.

3. Condoleeza Rice is a mass murderer who is doing her level best to advocate the invasion of another sovereign nation, this time the Islamic state of Iran, ostensibly to save the world from the threat of these Arabs getting nuclear technology and thus removing Israel from the Chairmanship of the Middle Eastern Nuclear Arms Club.

4. George W. Bush lied consistently and repeatedly to get Congressional approval to invade Iraq, a move that has been called illegal by the United Nations. During his administration, Darth Bush has destroyed the American economy and run the national debt to ludicrous proportions.

5. Mark Snow is the Minister of Propoganda for the Bush White House, cheerfully spewing lies, misdirection, and half-truths when he can actually answer a question.

6. The entire United States Congress needs to be held accountable for allowing so many crimes to be committed by one administration and doing nothing to stop any of it. Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton were both impeached for far less than this, but nothing is being done.

The war begins now, brothers and sisters...speak to me with your posts and your emails and we will devise our battle plan.

This is OUR country and I refuse to allow them to steal it from me, to run it into the ground, or turn it into a hideous mirror of Germany during the years of 1936-1944.
Stand with me now, or the following will be your new national pledge:

I pledge adherence to the flag
of the Fascist State of Amerika.
And to the Fuhrer, behind whom we cower.
One nation, under Martial Law.
With tyranny and injustice for all.

The Fire Still Burns

2006-05-19T17:05:00.000-07:00

A Declaration of War

2006-05-17T16:49:00.000-07:00

This is the first, last, and only warning I intend to give. Starting Sunday 21 May, 2006 Mogadishu Jones will be declaring open war.

Stand with me, or get out of my fucking way.

The Fascist State of America

2006-05-11T17:06:00.000-07:00

If you have not heard about the following articles, I suggest quite strongly that you read them then CALL YOUR FUCKING ELECTED OFFICIALS AND DEMAND ANSWERS.

Let's start with this little bit about the telephone carriers gleefully handing over all phone records to the NSA.

http://www.wired.com/news/wireservice/0,70878-0.html?tw=wn_index_2

Then we continue on to hear how the NSA saves itself from potentially embarrassing criminal investigations just by saying "No, you won't get the security clearance you need to investigate us. So go fuck yourself."

http://www.wired.com/news/wireservice/0,70879-0.html?tw=wn_index_3

Sieg heil, motherfuckers. Welcome to the Fascist State of America and to the Dictatorship for which it stands, one oligarchy, under martial law, with tyranny and injustice for all.

Sympathy for a Douchebag

2006-05-09T17:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, I am going to make this quick since most of you don't even bother to log in to read anymore, and those of you who are still out there have things to do. I am not a big supporter of our current President, nor of his cabinet, but I feel I need to stand up and finally say something in his defense. Seriously...are you ready for this?

We deserve him. No, I really mean that...George W. Bush is precisely the President the American People deserve. He is moronic, pathetic, and worthless and he is no worse than the people in the following articles I will provide for your enjoyment.

In a race between two African-Americans, Don Samuels was elected again to the Minneapolis City Council in November, despite (or thanks to) his 2004 statements that he can effectively serve the city's blacks because he descended from "house slaves" in the South rather than "field slaves." [City Pages (Minneapolis-St.Paul), 10-26-05]

Remember that? I posted that in February for my Black History Month piece that was ignored. Read on though, there's more...

http://www.pbs.org/pov/pov2005/streetfight/about.html

Read that one...it's about 2 black men vying for the job of Mayor of Newark, NJ (yah, I want THAT job...) only one is apparently "Not black enough" according to the incumbent. Still not convinced? How about the Mayor of New Orleans?

http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/01/17/nagin.city/

Yah, he actually called NOLA a "Chocolate" city...not that it matters since Hurricane Season is next month and according to my Tarot Cards, tea leaves, and Zodiac predictions there will be devastating hurricanes. Maybe that place will finally be wiped off the map...there is always hope...

Also, let's not forget that Jerry Springer was the Mayor of Cincinnati, Ohio...I couldn't make shit like that up.

The people of this country piss and moan about entertainers airing their political views but do not seem to have the slightest qualm about those same entertainers running for elected office. Witness Sonny Bono, Clint Eastwood, Fred Greandy, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Ronald Reagan...the list goes on.

And have you heard about the latest tax bill the Congress passed? More tax relief for the welathy, more benefits cuts for the average citizen. This government of the rich, by the rich, and FOR the rich MUST perish from this earth. But Idon't see that shit happening, in fact after the NEXT 9/11 attack (which will be coming in the next 12 months) the Constitution will have to be suspended and martial law declared so we can deal with this "War on Terror."

Don'tbelieve me? Keep watching...
Addendum: Yesterday's post was inspired by the very Rolling Stone Magazine article that TheMind referenced in his comment yesterday. If you have not read it, I highly recommend you do as it is very intelligent and thought-provoking, two things that cannot be said about our Commander in Chief.

Hellos

2006-04-14T17:53:00.000-07:00

Hi there...working on my new Website, yes, WEBSITE. Mogadishu Jones has gone commercial, baby! However, since I know fuckall about web design, it is taking a bit. In the interim, read THIS...

Anti-matter Drive

BREAKING NEWS

2006-04-05T17:47:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but I personally am sleeping VERY well at night knowing that the US Government is hard at work waging a steadfast, unwavering war against pornography! Let's meet one of the stalwart defenders of our great nations children, shall we? His name is Brian J. Doyle and he works for the Department of Homeland Security.

Also, meet another shitbag who is waging a war on pornography....his name is Justin Berry and he is now testifying to Congress about all the people who paid him to make home movies for them. Call Mogadishu Jones a cynic if you want, but somehow this kid suddenly seeing the light just doesn't ring true. I'm guessing that his sales began to dwindle after he his 18th birthday or maybe he asked for more money than they were willing to pay...but I somehow doubt that he did this because he felt his trust was betrayed after his 5 year stint as a porn star ended.

Fucking loser.

Peak Oil, Iran, and F-16 Diplomacy

2006-03-28T22:51:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks back my Western Thought teacher asked us if we knew anything about Peak Oil, something that none of us knew anything about since the mainstream press hasn’t really made a big deal out of it…but is becoming harder and harder to ignore. As I have done more research, I have found some interesting articles and have given them some due consideration.

The first is by Doctor Krassimir Petrov and it is exceptionally well-written and intelligent, but I found it to be a bit optimistic; perhaps a bit too optimistic, especially considering the current state of American politics and government. Dr. Petrov seems to believe that when the Dollar loses it’s stranglehold on the world due to the combination of Euro competition and Peak Oil that gold will become the new currency, but he is confident of American passivity towards our ever more tyrannical government, a situation I see changing once the dollar begins to collapse. Nor is Dr. Petrov the only person with this view as you can see in this article.

This is a counter article about the Iranian Oil Bourse. It's interesting, but the author makes some claims that don't really hold up under scrutiny. Compared to the other two articles, this one comes across as macho chest-thumping. “We’re Da Supapowa! We can do what we want and the rest of the world better learn to like it!” seems to be the gist of the whole affair, with plenty of omissions and half-truths liberally (and I use that term loosely) scattered throughout. Engdahl claims “F-16 Diplomacy” is what keeps America's economy strong, and to a point, he is correct. We do have 130 military installations around the world, but that includes "bases" that are little more than way-stations like Tazsar, Hungary which is jut there to fly from Germany to Bosnia or elsewhere.

American military doctrine since WWII (America’s last hurrah) has been geared towards fighting two wars at once, but that doctrine began changing with the successful collapse of the Soviet Union, Ronald Reagan’s “Evil Empire” bugaboo. The "Global War on Terror" is a fucking joke that isn't very funny, and the US cannot just invade Iraq, Iran, Syria, Lebanon, and any other country that disagrees with us because occupations NEVER work unless you are welcomed by the majority of the nation you are occupying. And the US does not enjoy the support of the majority of the people of Iraq any more than it did in Viet Nam, another well thought-out American attempt to export democracy at gunpoint. Another point of interest between Engdahl and Petrov is the omissions that Engdahl makes…for instance:

More than a year before President George W Bush declared his "shock and awe" operation against Iraq, he made his now-infamous January 2002 State of the Union address to Congress in which he labeled Iran, along with Iraq and North Korea, as a member of the "axis of evil" trio. This was well before anyone in Tehran was even considering establishing an oil bourse to trade oil in various currencies.

Yes, this speech was made before Tehran announced plans to sell their oil in Euros, that is true. It is also true that this speech was made after Saddam Hussein decided to sell Iraq’s oil in Euros. Amazing how much difference a little omission here and there makes, isn’t it? His claims about China's reluctance to "rouse the American Dragon" are also dubious since China has to keep its Yuan devalued in order to keep its 1 BILLION member workforce employed. China also has a 200 billion dollar trade deficit with the US that we cannot seem to do anything about. And as for the EU not adopting a Gold Standard, there is a very simple reason for that: there isn’t enough gold on planet Earth to back an economy of 750 million people in an industrialized high-tech world, a fact that Engdahl is well aware of, but as long as you act like it’s not an issue the average person will ignore it also.

And just to make sure this is clear; you can't use Nuclear Weapons as a threat against China, India, Pakistan, Israel, Great Britain, France, and Russia since THEY ALL HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS TOO. Maybe they can’t hit the US, but oddly enough damn near all of them can hit one of our 130 military bases and kill every American citizen there.

As Peak Oil becomes more of an issue to the global economy in general, and the US in particular, we have to ask ourselves some serious questions, not the least of which is “What the fuck do we do now?” I found a brilliant article on the future of Post-Peak Oil America, but cannot find it again…in its place I offer this one, which is just as good and another which is also interesting. The authors raises some very good points about an economic collapse that becomes more and more possible every week. As I watch the price of gas at the pump I keep expecting it to hit $3 a gallon, a record high where I live, which means that it will be $5 a gallon in places like Hawaii and LA. And when it gets that high, get ready for hell, people because the shit will hit the fan then, I assure you.

Mogadishu Jones advises you to invest now in canned goods and shotguns.

And the Dead Shall Bury the Living

2006-03-26T18:14:00.000-08:00

As some of you are aware, Mogadishu Jones has a love-hate relationship with monster movies. I love them because, like most people, I enjoy being frightened while watching a movie. Unfortunately most “scary movies” are puerile drivel that leech away 90 minutes of your life with most not even giving you more than a single pair of bare breasts for your trouble, and don’t even think about graphic sex. Now if you’re like me, and I know I am, then you want at least one beaver shot per picture just to make it slightly interesting and slightly less irritating. Doesn’t matter if we’re talking vampires, werewolves, mummies, demons…you pick the bugaboo and I’ll send you a list of a dozen turkeys.

Today, however, I will present to you my list of the crème de la gore of the Zombie Movies, a genre that is extremely overdone, but can sometimes yield great results.

Let’s start with the Master of the genre, shall we?

Night of the Living Dead. Yeah, I am talking about the 1968 George A. Romero classic, not the completely uninspired 1990 Tom Savini remake. What makes this movie such a classic is not the shuffling, shambling zombies that aren’t scary in the slightest, it’s the drama among the people trapped in the farmhouse. Everyone can identify with one of these characters, even if you don’t agree with them.

Dawn of the Dead. George Romero does it again with this triumph that plays off of the capitalist dream “Shop til you drop!” Only in this case, they keep on coming, long after their hearts have stopped beating. Why? Because that’s what they did while they were alive…

Land of the Dead. Notice I skipped “Day of the Dead”? You should too. This is another interesting case as Romero once again attacks America’s fucked-up moral and political values by showing how the minority rules over the majority without the decency to be ashamed of it, and how the majority dumbly nods their heads and accepts it as the natural order of things.

Now, let’s move onto some more modern fare…

28 Days Later. This flick redefined the zombie genre for all time. No longer did the undead drag themselves along mindlessly, relying on strength of numbers to ultimately do in their prey. Now they run your ass to the ground and rip you apart…assuming, of course, that you don’t become one of them first.

Resident Evil. This one wasn’t going to win any academy awards, and it isn’t the BEST example of a video game movie, but I have seen worse. (Pick a Uwe Boll film, I dare you…) One of the biggest selling points for this flick is the Female Empowerment message sent by the costars Milla Jovovich, and Michelle Rodriguez. Strong women are hawt…specially when they have boobies like Michelle Rodriguez. Yummy…

Dawn of the Dead (2004). This movie was gory, no doubt about it. It was also fucking scary. There were no “heroes” in this movie…just ordinary men and women trying to make it in a world that went to shit in less than a day. When you seriously consider it, with no macho bullshit getting in the way of the truth…what would you do?

Even the Undead can give us a giggle…

Return of the Living Dead Part II. I have always loved this flick…and I think one of the funnies bits (aside from the kid trying to convince his girlfriend to let him bite her) was one of the zombies getting on the ambulance radio and requesting “Send more brains….I mean, HELP…”

Shaun of the Dead. Okay, who would have thought you could make a zombie love story that didn’t suck? (Aside from the producers of “My Boyfriends Back” but they were horribly, horribly wrong…) Even people who don’t generally get British comedy saw the humor in this one, and it was a great date movie.

The Shout-Outs Edition

2006-03-22T20:59:00.000-08:00

I would like to take this time to give recognition to all the people who keep this page going, because when you stop reading, I stop writing.

Chocolate, one of these days I will get you...

Cicero, back from the Great Beyond! Now get Das Republic up and running and I will stop by and maybe write some filler for you...

Samuella, welcome to the Road, hope you enjoy the show...

Melissa, my favorite Asian grrrrrl....man them boobies are CUTE....

Ian Sheehan, my man in England and around the world. Spread the word wherever you roam, you Limey bastard!

Diva Zya of the saucy smiles and the stinging hands!

The Mind, for being you....

Vanilla, one of these days I will trap you also, my pretty...

Rannoch for believing...

And Epileptic Vogue for helping me set the first stone into the ground.

Feel left out? Then email me or post here and get it off your chest.

The Art of Revolution

2006-03-20T08:04:00.000-08:00

The state and nature of a culture’s development can be seen by it’s modes of popular expression. Art, music, and literature all combine to reveal the over-all state of a society’s growth and attitudes towards such matters as sexuality, politics, and the family. The 19^th Century was a turbulent time for all three mediums, a mirror for the political, economic, and social upheavals Europe was experiencing at that time. In the following paragraphs I will introduce three of the most prominent revolutionaries on the cultural battlefield and the influences they had on their peers, society as a whole, and on posterity. Kate Chopin (1851-1904) is a good place to begin this journey as she is arguably the mother of modern feminist literature, a distinction earned by her persistence in challenging typical notions of women and their proper attitudes. Chopin used irony, imagery, and an economy of words to create intriguing situations and thought-provoking tales about love and relationships that did not get serious attention until half a century after her death, likely due to the author’s unwillingness to conform to the idealized notions of womanhood. In the short-short story “The Story of an Hour” Chopin takes us into the mind of a recent widow who is far from grieving as she contemplates a newfound liberty brought to her by the loss of her husband, and the darkly ironic ending to the tale. That work, however, pales in comparison to the author’s exploration of adultery in the short story “The Storm” in which the protagonist succumbs to temptation and strays from her husband without the slightest regret. Further, with the line “her firm, elastic flesh that was knowing for the first time its birthright…” Chopin was clearly suggesting that women actually enjoyed sex, a scandalous notion in her day and still a dangerous topic now.

In the field of music Chopin has a kindred soul in one of the most electrifying personalities in the history of art, the master composer Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827). Beethoven revolutionized music by adding five new instruments to the orchestra, doubling the number of wind instruments and adding new words to the musical vocabulary to deepen the understanding of the work. It was Beethoven who added the words dolente (sorrowful) and teneramente (tenderly) to the musical vocabulary, alongside adagio (slow) and allegro (fast). He further rewrote the rules of Symphony by expanding the number of movements, the length of the work, and by using sudden pauses and silences to capture the listener. The Maestro’s talent was undeniable, but his manner of expressing it was shocking to the reserved society of Napoleonic France, and his works, the Ninth Symphony in particular, was not well received in all quarters.

Still another artist who dared to challenge convention was the painter Edouard Manet, who like Beethoven, received both acclaim for his talent and vilification for his manner of expressing it. One classic example of this was his infamous Dejeuner sur l’herbe (Luncheon on the Grass) where he depicted a nude woman calmly enjoying a picnic with two fully dressed men. This painting was considered so indecent that the jury of the Royal Academy rejected it from display at the Paris Salon, leading to it’s exhibition at the Salon des Refuses (Salon of the Rejected painters) where it caused a stir anyway. Not satisfied with violating one social taboo, Manet went on to paint Olympia wherein he attacked the “sacred” form of the reclining nude by painting a model in the “costume” of a prostitute. The idea of painting nude women was not a scandalous one provided it was done “appropriately.” That is to say that the model could portray a Goddess or an Idealized Persona such as Liberty, but to simply be a *gasp* nude woman….it was unthinkable!

For good or ill, these three artists, and their contemporaries forever changed the face of the world by stripping away “common sense” notions of what was “decent and proper” for art, society, and culture as a whole. It makes one wonder what will be said about the controversial artists of the now when our children are grown.

And I Guess That's Why They Call it the Blues...

2006-03-12T17:58:00.000-08:00

Hellos faithful readers, this is your old pal Mogadishu Jones back again with one of his World Famous Lists. This week we will cover songs of lost love, a topic that I am sure all of us can get behind. And if you cannot…fuck, I don’t know whether to pity you or not. This one goes out to an old friend who lost her way…here’s to hoping you find it before things get too bad. As usual, this is in no particular order.

UB40- Red, Red Wine- The island rhythms of this song, combined with the soulful, melancholia of the vocals make this one of the all-time greats.

Elton John-And I Guess That’s Why They Call it “The Blues”- Oh it’s fashionable to be anti-gay, but let’s be honest with each other here: Elton John is one of the best singer-songwriters of his generation. BAR NONE. This song says a lot about loss and how much we don’t realize a good thing until it’s gone.

The Beatles-Yesterday- Growing up sucks, and growing apart is worse. It’s a convenient illusion that young love lasts forever but we know that the truth of the matter is that hearts do change with time and the French have a saying “In all relationships there is the one that offers the kiss, and one that offers the cheek.”

Nickleback- How You Remind Me- It’s amazing how blind we can be to our own lives, isn’t it? So what do you think? Are we having fun yet?

Don Henley-The Heart of the Matter- Eventually you come to a point where the anger burns itself out, where the hate just fades to nothing and the pain becomes numb. And when you reach that point, you just walk away and count yourself lucky for the experience.

Patsy Cline-I Fall to Pieces- Yah, no one listens to Country Music but it’s still a billion dollar a year business. I don’t listen to that modern pop bullshit that they market to redneck wannabe’s driving around in their $30K pick-ups that never see more than 300 pounds in the bed, and that being the driver’s wife. I only listen to the real deal, motherfuckers.

The Cure- Love Song- Somehow, this song has always seemed more honest, more genuine to me than “Pictures of You” but maybe that is just my take. It doesn’t help that Robert Smith sold out and licensed “Pictures” to HP, but that is just an aside, not the primary reason.

The Thompson Twins- Hold Me Now- I still remember this video, and I think it’s one of the best of the 80’s. Equating lost love with being sentenced to a chain gang in the desert was a great idea and if anyone has that video, send me a message because I would love to have it.

Elvis- Heartbreak Hotel- Yah and you don’t listen to the King of Rock and Roll either, do you? Fucking losers ignore great music because it’s “Old School.”

Linkin Park -Numb- Abusive relationships are a universal evil, some involve punches, some involve verbal assaults and all are corrosive and worthless.

Depeche Mode- Policy of Truth- If they cheat once, rest assured they will cheat again. People won’t change until the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing, and there is no point in changing if you are always forgiven your every error.

Bette Midler- The Rose- I’m not familiar with much of Bette Midler’s songs, and more familiar than I would like with her movies, but this track is a must for a somber night’s reflections.

Naked Eyes- There’s Always Something There to Remind Me- The longer the relationship, the more this one applies. It is part of the reason that in extended marriages (15+ years ) when one spouse dies, the other dies within a year.

No Doubt- Don’t Speak- Unrequited love is hideously painful and Gwen Stefani bleeds her soul in this one. Too bad her new stuff sucks out loud, but I take that as a sign that her relationship with the guy from Bush is going well.

Bonnie Tyler- Total Eclipse of the Heart- This is one of the all-time greatest. From Tyler’s raw, anguished vocals to the dark imagery, this song speaks to the lonely, shattered wreckage of mistakes made.

Nazareth- Love Hurts- I don’t care if you’re in Chicago, Illinois or Beijing, China you know how it feels when it’s over and how you think it’s never going to get better. So why do we keep trying instead of accepting the apparently obvious?

Guns and Roses- November Rain- There is a 17 minute rendition of this song that is worth every fucking second. Axl Rose has some serious issues he needs to resolve, but this song is absolutely brilliant, especially with the symphony backing it up, and the video is one of the all-time best by ANY band.

Toni Braxton- Unbreak My Heart- The worst fucking part of getting dumped is when they try to explain it, try to ease the pain by letting you know how it’s not your fault…like you fucking care. This song addresses that issue handily.

The Statler Brothers- Flowers on the Wall- When you’ve lost everything that made your life worth living, you either keep going or you quit. And in the time it takes to make that decision, you can either be an object of pity or you can try to look strong.

Johnny Cash- Bridge Over Troubled Waters- Johnny Cash could make any song sound good, and that’s a fucking fact. This song is from his last album “When the Man Comes Around” and it’s sung from the perspective of a man who knows death is right around the corner and who cares, because it’s all over now anyway.

Chris Isaak- Wicked Game- I highly recommend his album “Forever Blue” which has some great stuff on it. I chose this over “Somebody’s Crying” because this one is darker, more despairing since it is about a callous individual who shores up their self-esteem by crushing others.

News In Brief

2006-03-05T18:55:00.000-08:00

Special Update!!!! This just in, Vermont has joined San Francisco in calling for the impeachment of the Commander in Chief. Could this Democracy thing be spreading?!

Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen! This week Mogadishu Jones will be doing a brief recap on the news that caught his interest during the week. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

*********White Man Keeping Me DOWN!!!!*******************

Not even a WEEK after I post my article honoring Black History Month then I see THIS on the web and realize that if only I had waited a couple days longer it would have been a PERFECT addition to that column. What makes this so infuriating to Mogadishu Jones is that this numbfuck was the star of a Spike Lee film called “Bamboozled” where Wayans played a TV executive who tries to get fired by developing the most offensive show in the history of the medium…and is amazed when it becomes a runaway hit. And yet, Damon does not seem connected to his own fucking life or career.

I hope Wayans succeeds in his battle with the Trademark and Copyright people, because I would love to see what kind of Nigga Music, Nigga Books, Nigga Clothes, and Nigga Movies his new company will come up with. Not to mention the idea of Nigga.com which is a site I am eager to visit, assuming he can buy it from the pornographers who currently hold claim to it.

*******Natural Selection At Work*****************************

Apparently the parents of Natalee Holloway are suing some kid from Aruba in their daughter’s disappearance. It seems that she was last seen leaving a bar with him and two of his friends, then she vanished from the face of the planet. This is a clear example that Darwin was onto something…if you go to a foreign country (The Virgin Islands count as a foreign country for the purposes of this discussion) and you decide to go home with a group of people YOU DON’T KNOW then you are clearly not suited for survival and if you DO manage to survive it is more of an accident than design. There are two things about this case that truly bother me though:

1. The fact that her parents are suing by saying in a section of the case called "Natalee's Nightmare” :’the next hours of Natalee's young life were marked by torment, terror and debasement,’ adding that she was kept against her will, sexually assaulted and fondled by van der Sloot and "his accomplices" as she "drifted in and out of consciousness.’

Since the dumb slut is MISSING what you just read is SLANDER, DEFAMATION OF CHARACTER, and LIBEL since it is in print and not simply spoken. This kid and his dad can counter sue for everything this family will EVER have.

2. The fact that this slut’s disappearance is making national fucking headlines. Why the fuck is it that every time a pretty white girl disappears/dies it becomes a national fucking emergency but no one seems to give a flying fuck how many human rights abuses or civil right violations our fucking government makes every week!?

******Bush/Cheney Called For Impeachment*****************

At least SOMEONE in this country cares about shit other than the fate of inbred blondes from NASCAR country. The San Francisco Supervisors have voted 7-3 to impeach the current administration. Not that anyone cares, mind you, since it’s just a bunch of niggers and faggots voting for this. Maybe when the rich, white voters of Georgia join in, then we will see some results. Let’s keep watching.

**********American President Tried for War Crimes*********

That’s right, people, an American president has been held accountable for War Crimes for the first time in US History! Although in this case it was a mock trial being conducted by a High School Class. I expect a certain teacher (Joseph Kyle) might find his contract renewal in doubt in the future especially after he is interviewed by the Fox News Network, but such is the price of taking an active interest in the education of children.

*************Keeping Our Priorities In Order*****************

My Western Thought professor told us about this, but didn’t give us a URL, but here it is. More proof that our government knows who should be fined the most heavily. After all, what is more important than a human life?

A February report on mine safety regulation by USA Today found that complicated federal statutes and unvigorous Mine Safety and Health Administration enforcement have resulted in a structure of civil fines almost guaranteed not to deter dangerous conditions. The largest-ever MSHA fine (for a 2001 incident with 13 deaths) was $605,400 (as compared to, for example, the FCC's 2004 fine of CBS for the brief image of Janet Jackson's breast at the Super Bowl, which was $3.5 million). One attorney who represents coal companies claimed that fines are largely irrelevant to safety: "I really don't think any responsible mine operator makes any decision about safety based on civil penalties." [USA Today, 2-10-06]

***************Another Argument for Eugenics************************

And yet, for some reason we have a debate on whether abortion should be legal…

Jacqueline Dotson was seriously injured in an accident near Winchester, Ky., in February that police say happened when she lost control of her SUV and ran several other cars off the road before overcorrecting, which caused the SUV to roll over a guardrail and land upside down. A rescue crew labored an hour and a half with the "jaws of life" to extricate her from the vehicle, but one of her arms was already free, severed in the accident and lying on the road, still grasping a cell phone. [WLEX-TV (Lexington), 2-3-06]

Well, that raps things up for this week. Keep the requests for advice coming, as well as the hate mail and I will get to all of it as soon as I have more time on my hands.

2006-02-26T15:46:00.000-08:00

The other night when I was driving home from work I happened to hear an interesting story on NPR about a program sponsored by Detroit’s Big Three automakers and the UAW called the Job Bank. In the 1980’s Detroit was looking to increase productivity through increased automation, and this would mean fewer jobs for the UAW members. So they compromised and developed the Job Bank. The original goal of this program was to keep skilled workers from leaving the company for greener pastures in case of layoffs, and to protect workers from being outsourced or replaced by robots. Nearly 20 years later it is still in effect and costing Detroit over a hundred million dollars a year.

"It's an albatross around their necks," said Steven Szakaly, an economist with the Center for Automotive Research in Ann Arbor. "It's a huge number of workers doing nothing. That has a very large effect on their future earnings outlook."

The way the program works is like this: anyone in the program reports to a failed strip mall they call The Holding Tank or The Stockade where they then clock in for their daily shift. Once they clock in, they can watch movies, do crossword puzzles, study, or play cards. Or they could go and does community service projects like school bus driving, Habitat for Humanity-like endeavors, or anything else of worth to the city of Detroit and the various suburbs.

Oddly enough, a great many of the 12,000 members choose to sit on their lazy asses and collect their $26-31 an hour wages and piss and moan about how monotonous it is. One bitch even laughed and said “It’s cruel and unusual punishment! Well, it’s not that bad…we watch a lot of movies. Yesterday we watched (All) the Pretty Horses…”

One individual, let’s call him Cisco, has worked for the company for 36 years…and although he has been offered a $35000 a year retirement, he has no interest in doing so. He is a technician called a “gunnie,” a gun-welder repairman, a job that has been eliminated, likely by a machine that does it better, faster, and cheaper. So Cisco sits around with his ancient partners and pisses and moans about how unfairly the company is treating him rather than taking the retirement money and opening a business, or doing SOMETHING with his time. Man, isn’t America a wonderful place? Where else in the world can you get paid that much money for sitting on your ass and STILL find time to bitch about it? It warms my heart right down to the cockles…or even down into the sub-cockle region.

Forgive me for not weeping piteously over the plight of the poor, lazy UAW workers who would rather piss away 8 hours a day when they could be doing something constructive. The Job Banks will be closed permanently in 2007 because the auto executives aren’t going to give up their $15 million a year salaries and bonuses because some old fart can’t get it through his head that the myth of John Henry the Steel Driving Man is long over…the machines will replace ALL manual labor eventually as the forces of capitalism continue to push corporations to make more money for less cost. More and more warehouses are using conveyor systems that reduce the manpower needs by 10% or more; in Dubai robots are now replacing camel jockeys, Stanford University just won the DARPA contest to develop an autopilot system for a land vehicle which means the days of human cabbies are numbered; MIT has two different AI programs running, one for AI with emotions, and one for AI without emotions, because what the world REALLY needs is a sentient computer that can get pissed off at people and do spiteful, petty, vindictive shit without fear of reprisals.

Especially if it can convince it’s cold, emotionless counterpart that humans are the world’s biggest fucking problem, which I think would take about 20 minutes to do.

.Coming Soon:

Reader Hate Mail!!

Keepin It Real for Black History Month

2006-02-19T13:05:00.000-08:00

It’s Black History Month, and you know what that means: incessant bitching about “Why don’t we have a White History Month?” and endless amounts of guilt being put on the only white kid in the that ghetto school who has to listen to the story of how evil white men went to Africa and kidnapped and enslaved the natives t o work the fields in the South. Or maybe that was just me…Anyway, to show his support for the Black Community, your old pal Mogadishu Jones is going to throw out some of his views on the long struggle for equality that is still going on.

The history of America is basically a history of racism, no doubt about it. White men made all the rules and those rules favored other white men to the detriment and exclusion of women in general and minorities in particular. Whether we are talking about the Age of Consent Laws, voting laws, or ignoring the marijuana and heroin trades in the States because the main users were Negro Jazz musicians, white men in America have always had it out for number one.

Then along came the Abolitionists, the malcontents who thought that Negroes should be free to roam, much like cattle. Until they met Frederick Douglass, most abolitionists didn’t think that slaves were much better than livestock. The idea of freeing the niggers was not really unlike PETA busting up an animal research lab. Douglass the great orator changed that by showing that he was erudite, articulate, and charismatic. So much so, in fact, that at one meeting a listener challenged Douglass’ statement that he was born into slavery, prompting him to write his autobiography “The Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass.”

Another famous black orator was Sojourner Truth who had the audacity to imply that she was the equal of a white woman, even going so far as to challenged a preacher by noting that Mary had a virgin birth making a man completely unnecessary and thus showing that woman are at least equal to men in the eyes of God, if not superior. The difference between Sojourner Truth’s “Ain’t I a Woman?” speech and Frederick Douglass’ works is roughly the difference between listening to Bill Cosby then switching the channel to listen to Marin Lawrence.

One of the heroes of the Civil Rights movement was Rosa Parks, a woman who refused to give up her seat on the bus to a white passenger. “How unusual,” Jay ‘But Can You Kick My Ass?!’ Ward was heard to comment “A nigger who wouldn’t get off her ass.”

Then we have the flip sides of the same coin Dr. Martin Luther King and Malcolm X. The similarities between these orators were matched by their differences. King had a dream where all men lived together in peace and equality while Malcolm X had a dream where a young black child would beat the living fuck out of a white child. So far Malcom’s dream is the one that is actually coming true. Both men were assassinated as part of a government plot to shut down the Civil Rights movement. Malcolm X was betrayed and murdered by Louis Farrakhan and Elijah Mohammed of the Nation of Islam while Dr. King was shot by a redneck with no military training that was standing on the edge of a bathtub and shooting out of a window.

“Never underestimate the power of a determined white man,” was Jay’s response when I brought up the oddity of King’s assassination.

Blacks can now vote but most don’t, although that doesn’t matter a great deal since their votes don’t mean much, as evidenced by the 2000 Florida election results. Drug laws are enacted and enforced to penalize minorities while the CIA works to ship heroin into America as part of it’s “Air America” operations in Viet Nam and whatever they are calling it now that they are working in Afghanistan, the heroin capital of the world.

Bill Cosby and Jesse Jackson took the Black Community to task for “not only using the most hateful word in the world (nigger) as if it meant nothing, but also for not even pronouncing it right!” And the Black Community responds with “We took the word Nigger and turned it into Nigga and now it gives us self-esteem.” Even though in the 1980’s Gangsta Rap pioneers NWA (Niggaz With Attitude) released the album EFIL4ZAGGIN because the record label wouldn’t ship it as NIGGAZ4LIFE, an album that got it’s name because “No matter where you go, no matter how successful you are, you will never be seen as anything except a nigger.”

And to help the Black Community with it’s self-esteem the Republican Party not only invited ONE black speaker to their convention, they also announced their Contract on America that included the “No Child Left Behind” clause that stated that no child of a rich white person would be left behind while social programs including education and student loans would be cut by 15 billion dollars. Not to worry though, any black wishing to get an education can just join the military and get the GI Bill! It worked for Colon Powell, it could work for you too!

Fortunately, however, the Black Community has some outstanding members who ARE educated and willing to take the fight for equality to the highest levels of government! No matter if it’s that great statesman Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington DC, the Murder Capital of America, who proved that his crack habit would not interfere with his ability to run that city into the ground, or the two gentlemen in the following article:

In a race between two African-Americans, Don Samuels was elected again to the Minneapolis City Council in November, despite (or thanks to) his 2004 statements that he can effectively serve the city's blacks because he descended from "house slaves" in the South rather than "field slaves." [City Pages (Minneapolis-St.Paul), 10-26-05]

And then there’s this article…

Former Durham, N.C., city council member Jackie Wagstaff was beaten in the race for mayor last fall, having run as "J-Dub" on a "gangsta" platform, promising to bring "street teens" into her administration. (Eight of the 17 mayoral and council candidates in Durham, including J-Dub, had criminal records.) [Raleigh News & Observer, 9-28-05]

And the White Man just keeps on keeping the brotha man down…

Happy Valentine's Day

2006-02-12T17:39:00.000-08:00

Valentine’s Day is coming up and Mogadishu Jones thought he would share a bit of his personal insights on the holiday with the world. Those of you who know me know that there is a bit more to me than just scandalous charm and an acid tongue. Those of you who aren’t that well versed…well, read on and maybe you’ll find some things you didn’t consider.

When I wore a younger man’s clothes I had very definite ideas about what I looked for in a woman and I wager those ideas are not much different from young men the world over. Beauty ranked high on the list followed closely by intelligence, wit, and charm, all of which negotiable so long as she was pretty. Time and experience have taught me the error of my ways and now I find myself looking at life more critically and seeking more in a companion that just a pretty face. I am not saying that I am so secure that I can ignore aesthetics entirely, I am only human and far from perfect, but I find my idea of what is attractive has changed.

I do enjoy looking at the many slender and fit actresses that rotate in and out of the spotlight but I find fashion models to be of little real interest. The Madison Avenue Beauty Ideal is, in my humble opinion, highly over-rated. I am not perfect nor is anyone I know, so why bother trying to find some air-brushed Barbie doll? So what do I look for?

I have always had a passion for women whom I consider to be ‘exotic’; red-heads and Asian women in particular, but also women with foreign accents and Latin women. Height was never a main concern, but I like a woman close to my own size for various reasons, not the least of which is it is easier on the neck when kissing. Obese women are not my cup of tea so Roseanne Barr was never what I considered attractive, but breadstick girls like Kate Moss don’t interest me either. A happy medium is what I enjoy; a girl who is athletic is desired, as long as she retains her ‘femininity,’ although I won’t begrudge her a few extra pounds as long as I feel she carries it well.

Intelligence is no longer negotiable and a keen wit is also highly prized since I cannot think of what it must be like to be with someone who is always somber. I am not the most intellectual man on earth, nor am I in any danger of winning any comedy awards, but I do try to sharpen both as best I can while still knowing when to stop.

Patience should be one of her virtues since I am not the easiest person in the world to get on with no matter how hard I try to keep an even temper and a smile on my face. As chauvinistic as it sounds, a woman who can cook and keep house is welcome, but if she desires to make the money, I will not object too strenuously.

And yes, like many men I am a lusty creature and a woman of a healthy sexual appetite is needed. When I was a teen monogamous relations were all I knew or desired, and anything else was the stuff of movies and books. When I was dating my ex-wife, in fact, I insisted our relationship be monogamous, a condition she thought she could live with, but unfortunately wasn’t able to. In my travels, however, I have learned much, and once you know you can never go back…so I find that bisexuality is a high priority, not non-negotiable, mind you, but something to be considered.

On my part I feel I have a good deal to offer a woman of any age and temperament: I am intelligent and actively seeking to further my education while still holding a full-time job. I can not only cook, I can keep a household running more or less smoothly, with only a few errors occasionally. While I cannot work exceptionally well with tools, I am willing to learn new things and to experiment.

Well traveled, widely read, and adventurous is how I usually describe myself initially, reserving a more detailed description of my personality for later, or better still, allowing it to be discovered in the fullness of time. Intense, committed, and caring are words that have been used to describe me, and I always seek to balance my weaknesses with these strengths. Some have described me as passionate, not just in the sensual sense of the word, but in the truest sense, that I am capable of great depth of feeling and emotion. I can offer stability and reliability without her having to fear a loss of spontaneity. Taking risks is not something I shy away from, but experience has made me a more conservative gambler than a reckless youth.

Over all, I would hardly say that I ask anything that I am not prepared to give, and that ultimately I have struck a fine balance between what I offer and what I seek. And I count myself lucky because through a rather bizarre series of circumstances and after an exhaustive drive through Seattle in search of a club, I happened by the lady I share my life with, quite by chance. Funny old world, isn’t it? How you find the things you are seeking most without even knowing you are looking for them.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, when you do find that Special Someone (or Someones, if that is your thing) hold on tight kids, because life is too fucking short to be spent on regrets. Learn to listen, not just wait for your turn to talk.

And in keeping with my Holiday themed articles, next week I will cover both Black History Month and Martin Luther King Day. Hope to see you then.

So I Like Football...

2006-02-03T18:42:00.000-08:00

Superbowl Whatfucking Ever is coming up, and to show his support for the over-paid steroid junkie gladiators who battle it out for our amusement, Mogadishu Jones will not regale his faithful readers with the story of his allegiance to the Pittsburgh Steelers.

If you live on the Eastern Seaboard your gridiron picks tend to go something like this:

New England States: New England Patriots. (Duh)

Upstate New York: Buffalo Bills

NY City: NY Giants

North Jersey: NY Giants

Eastern PA/Delaware Valley: Philadelphia Eagles

Western PA: Pittsburgh Steelers

Virginia: Washington Redskins

The Carlolinas: Carolina Panthers (Pre-1996 it was either the Atlanta Falcons or the Miami Dolphins)

Georgia: Atlanta Falcons

Florida: Miami Dolphins

Well, being an Iconoclast (read: social misfit) Mogadishu Jones decided to buck the trend and go for the Steelers after Dick Vermeil retired from coaching the Eagles. Buddy Ryan was a good coach (look what he did with Arizona) but he never appealed to me; he was always too much like Father Jones. Not only that, but even when the Eagles had the No.1 Offense AND the No. 1 Defense they STILL failed to clinch the Superbowl, further proof that Mogadishu Jones knew what the fuck he was about. Although the Steelers were ALSO consistently disappointing, they at least had the excuse that Bill Cowher lacked the aforementioned No. 1 Offense and Defense.

Anyway, one sunny Sunday morning I made the mistake of reading the sports page ( I have long been in the habit of reading the newspaper front to back ) and commenting to Brother Jones “Hey, this columnist thinks the Cowboys might have a good year.”

“Oh?” Brother Jones replied, engrossed in ‘The Execution of Private Slovak.’

“Yah,” I commented. “The author says that even though they were only 1-15 last year they might actually make something this year since they don’t have to rely on trick plays…” This is where Mogadishu Jones made a crucial error…he didn’t check to ensure that Father Jones was safely out of the house, not just earshot.

“Fuck the goddamn Cowboys! Those fucking cocksuckers ain’t going to do shit!” Father Jones bellowed from somewhere above us.

“I never said they were going to…” I tried to protest as Father Jones loomed into view on the stair landing.

“I’ll bet you a hundred dollars those fucking cocksuckers don’t go ANYWHERE this year!” he bellowed in a voice that any rational mind would react to with an immediate “You’re right, Dad! They won’t go ANYWHERE!!!”

Mogadishu Jones, however, has never been possessed by a very strong instinct for self-preservation so he went ahead and blurted out the first thing that came to his head: “Okay, I’ll take that bet! And I don’t want to hear any excuses for why the Eagles don’t make it!!” And so the die was cast and, not surprisingly, the Eagles failed to make an appearance in the Superbowl for the entire 1990’s.

After I joined the US Army I was stationed on Fort Hood, Texas where I immediately ceased to be a Dallas Cowboys fan. I did not want to be associated with Texans. A year later I was sent to Europe and I lost track of the football games since I was 12 hours behind the US and was constantly learning the results of the games before we were able to WATCH them, which is irritating, I assure you.

Anyway, this is just so you all know that Mogadishu Jones has been behind the Steel Curtain since WAY BACK and if they lose to the Seahawks…well, I will still love em. I’m just happy they made it back to the Bowl finally!

Stick around and I will be submitting my views on Valentine’s Day and Black History Month!

And Now a Word from Our Editor

2006-01-29T16:54:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't been posting for the past 2 weeks, but things have been a bit busy around the Den of Iniquity. Stick around for updates and a new column within the next seven days.

Promise.

And Julie, stop fucking calling already! I said I would get to it and I will!

Mogadishu Jones

Outgunning the Police

2006-01-12T19:12:00.000-08:00

Recently I was talking to a guy at work who was bringing up the whole “oh the Police are outgunned” argument, and Mogadishu Jones, who used to feel the same way as this guy, had a sudden epiphany:

GOOD.

Now, before you get your knickers in a twist, hear me out, THEN you can let them get as twisted as you like if you still feel the urge.

It has been a fact throughout history that the forces of law and order have ALWAYS been outnumbered by criminals since the poor have ALWAYS outnumbered the wealthy and this is a situation that has perpetuated itself from the time of Hammurabi who wrote the first Code of Laws, all the way to President Bush who is doing his level best to break every one of them. It has been said that money is the root of all evils, that the LACK of money is the root of all evils, and that the LOVE of money is the root of all evils, and I am not willing to disagree with ANY of those statements since, to an extent, all three are true.

That fact is, as long as you have greed, you will have poverty. And as long as you have poverty, you will have crime. Hell, even WITHOUT poverty, you will STILL have crime as long as you have greed. And I am deliberately discounting non-finance related crimes such as murder for jealousy and rape since the number of rapists and murderers for jealousy are a tiny minority in the criminal world.

Since you have crime you naturally need to have government of some sort; whether it is by a tribal council, a Priesthood that tells you your Gods will smash you for disobedience, or a dictator, benevolent or otherwise. With the governing body comes a set of agreed upon rules and regulations of conduct, and the more “civilized” (read: advanced. And by “advanced” I mean “They have a working class and a self-perpetuating ruling class) the more elaborate the code of laws becomes. (This is really a “Chicken or the Egg” situation since it’s not entirely certain whether Grok stole Gorak’s club in defiance of the tribal council or whether Gorak got the tribal council together because Grok could kick the shit out of him.) And with the code of laws comes a class of citizen charged with enforcing the laws, and whether they are carrying clubs or guns, they have ALWAYS been outnumbered by those willing to steal. And I don’t care if you are stealing a loaf of bread to feed your family or stealing a nation to feed your ego, stealing is stealing.

And whether the polis men (modern day Policemen, Policia, Polizei, etc…) are carrying clubs or guns, the criminals have ALWAYS been at least as well-armed, if not better. The obvious exception to this rule, of course, is the dictatorships. Frank and Jesse James had the same guns as Bat Masterson, Wyatt Earp, and any other cops of the Old West, but these guys had MORE guns since they had a full-time gang who earned their pay by robbing trains, banks, and anyone rich enough to attract their notice. Did Earp and the boys plead with the governor to provide them with Gatling Guns? Maybe, but the Governor likely told them to fuck off.
As we follow the history of crime and criminals in America, we see the Mafia (Jewish, Irish, or Italian, didn’t matter they were ALL well-armed) picking up the latest in shotguns, pistols (the Mob was using semi-automatics LONG before they caught on with regular cops), and after WWI, Thompsons and M6 Grease Guns they brought home from the war. I don’t recall the cops being issued M6 Grease Guns to fight Capone and the boys. Not that they were inclined to fight their benefactor, mind you…but you see my point.

The Crips, the Bloods, and the Latin Kings, among other gangs, are only upholding a long tradition of keeping the keepers of the peace in check. If the cops had military hardware, why would we need the police? Why not just use the military to keep order?

And while we’re at it…why don’t we let them tell us what we can read, hear, see, and think?

Reflections on 2005

2006-01-03T18:23:00.000-08:00

It’s New Years Day, 2006 ladies and gentleman, and it’s time for your old pal Mogadishu Jones to take stock of the year that was.

In 2005 I saw the world respond to human misery with an outpouring of charity, generosity, and overwhelming stupidity as the victims of the Asian Tsunami were subsequently inundated by shipments of winter coats, Viagra, skis and assorted other bits of ash and trash.

King George continued to spend most of his Presidency on vacation, although that bitch Cindy Sheehan had to go and ruin it all with her incessant moaning about her dead kid.

It was revealed that the United States Government, paragon of virtue, bastion of freedom, and protector of democracy and human rights operates secret prisons in Third World nations and torture is routinely practiced in these facilities.

Despite numerous computer models predicting massive devastation in New Orleans, LA by a Category 5 hurricane, the FEMA didn’t seem particularly interested in being prepared for half the city to be destroyed and the Fed was surprised that people were PISSED about their lack of response. Not that it matters since Americans are fucking stupid and easily distracted by anything shiny…look, a new Ipod!

Steve Jobs released 25 new versions of the Ipod and proved that he really isn’t that much different from Bill Gates after all as he tries to crush competing MP3 music services so his iTunes can continue to dominate the market.

Sony make their move on the hand-held game system market with the PSP. “Oh shit!” Nintendo executives were heard to exclaim. Meanwhile in Korea, an obscure company quietly releases a Linux version of the PSP that sells for $180. “Oh fuck yeah!” Hackers and geeks the world around rejoice.

The Fantastic Four once again hits celluloid and once again it is a travesty; Batman returns to the big screen with a knock-out cast that redeems the franchise completely. Well, almost completely, I still can’t rid myself of the image of Jim Carey’s extremely gay portrayal of The Riddler. Harry Potter and his crew hit their teens, and Hermione gets one year closer to being legal while C.S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia try to edge out Lord of the Rings as the biggest fantasy series to ever hit the big screen.

We have (hopefully) seen the end of the Star Wars saga with the tragically stupid “Revenge of the Sith” whose tagline seems to be “The best of the new trilogy” which means that it sucks, but not as much as the other two did.

Mogadishu Jones helped a young lady (she was legal, so piss off) achieve her first orgasm and forever changed the way she viewed her body and the world around her.

Cell phones that are cameras, MP3 players, word processors, and espresso machines are released to the world as millions continue to die of starvation.

Christians prove themselves once again to be among the stupidest people on planet fucking Earth as they open the Creationist Museum, among whose exhibits is a dinosaur wearing a saddle, proof that Hanna-Barbera wasn’t having us on with The Flintstones. Not to be outdone, Pat Robertson went on world-wide television and advocated the assassination of the duly elected President of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, a move that prompted a British Minister of Parliament to seek a ban on Robertson from the UK under it’s terrorism laws. Assassination IS a terrorist act, you know.

Pope John Paul II, one of the most beloved religious figures in the Western world died at the age of 84 and was replaced by Pope Sidious.

Robots and computers become smarter in 2005 and that puts them one step closer to realizing that humans are the problem and thus eliminating us en masse, a subject I will cover at length soon.

Mogadishu Jones learned to relax and pace himself, to express the rage without breaking things and maybe opening someone’s eyes.

And the Domino Theorists had reason to rejoice as Fidel Castro, after spending 40 years as the only Communist ruler in South America was finally joined by Hugo Chavez in Venezuela, then Colombia’s coca farmers elected a Socialist president also, finally proving that if you let Communism sit long enough it WILL spread. The Medellin and Bogota cartels were reportedly overjoyed by this news also.

And most important to me, I have earned 2 Associate’s Degrees this year. One is an Associate of Arts in Technology and the other is an Associate of Arts and Sciences in Psychology.

Who knows what 2006 will bring? Stick around with me, kids, and hold on tight, I have no doubt it will be exciting to say the least.

Happy Crass Commercialism Day

2005-12-25T09:24:00.000-08:00

Editor’s Note: Some of you may have noticed that Mogadishu Jones’ postings no longer contain color or html links (what I like to call “Off ramps,” and there is a reason for this: Blogspot’s owners are starting down the Road of Fucktardom by eliminating the option to simply add color and HTML links embedded in your text. Normally I use Microsuck Word to do my posting then just copy and paste it, now I have to do everything the hard way. This is a precursor to them charging for their services, I am sure, which means that the Road to Xibalba may soon be moving ELSEWHERE. Anyway, on with the show…

It’s December 25th again, and you know what that means: people competing to see who can come up with the most garish light displays; millions of fir trees being cut down so they can be adorned for a week before being discarded with the rest of the present wrappings; fistfights at stores over the latest over-priced toy that is the “must-have” for their spoiled, uneducated children; massive credit card debt as we rush to show our love by buying trinkets and tokens; and people being trampled in the rush to show our Christian values by spending a lot of money we don’t have on shit we don’t need to please people we don’t especially like. God bless America, because nothing says “Holiday Cheer” like a $300 electric bill (I didn’t pull that number out of my ass, I know a guy at work who showed a picture of his house and said that would be how much it would run him, give or take) so you can make your house visible from outer fucking space.

You’re probably saying “Oh great, I knew Mogadishu Jones was just an Ebenezer Scrooge at heart, killing the Christmas spirit because he didn’t get toys when he was a kid.” And you would be HALF-right. Mogadishu Jones IS, in point of fact, and Ebenezer Scrooge, but of the REFORMED variety. The Ebenezer Scrooge who was visited by the Ghosts of Christmas was a sullen, bitter, miserly man who detested and despised those who rushed about gleefully calling out season’s greetings to one another with faith and charity in their hearts…ONE MONTH OUT OF THE FUCKING YEAR but the rest of the year they weren’t all that different from him. After his nocturnal visitation, however, Ebenezer lived with Christmas in his heart EVERY DAY because he finally understood that the concepts of charity, goodwill, and hope don’t come around once a year, they are always there waiting to be noticed.

I hear all this bullshit being bandied about that “Christmas is under attack” that “You can’t say Merry Christmas anymore” that “Merry X-mas cheats the holiday of its true meaning and is an assault on Christianity” and I just want to slap the living fuck out of people. Christmas is under attack? By whom, exactly? I sure as fuck feel as if Mogadishu Jones is under attack by an army of brainwashed peasants desperately crying out for MORE wealth to the elite, MORE power to the upper class, and LESS money being returned to them by the government that they elect (usually) and pay for. Did you know that right before Congress adjourned for the 2005 holidays they cut 1.6 BILLION dollars in social spending? Merry fucking Christmas indeed my friends and neighbors; and good luck taking your kids to the doctor after they break a bone sledding on that new Flexible Flyer you bought ‘em with the college fund.

As for the holiday being robbed of its true meaning, I wish more fucking people knew about the pagan origins of Christmas (and every other religious holiday the Christians celebrate) so we could finally end this idiotic ranting by people like the shitbags over at Fox News, the Al-Jazeera of America. And I hereby apologize to the entire Middle Eastern world and the staff of Al-Jazeera in particular for comparing them to Fox News, nobody really deserves that, and never having watched Al-Jazeera (not that I could understand a word of it since I don’t speak Arabic) I really am not qualified to comment on their journalistic ethics, a term that is never uttered at any agency Rupert Murdoch owns except in jest.

Happy Crass Commercialism Day, motherfuckers.

And now that I’ve gotten THAT off my chest, here are some of Mogadishu Jones’ favorite Christmas songs:

“Christmas Rapping” The Waitresses

“Father Christmas” The Kinks

“All I Want for Christmas is You” Mariah Carey

“Merry Christmas: I don’t Wanna
Fight” The Ramones

“It’s Christmas Time Again” Blink 182

“Christmas in Hollis” Run-DMC

“Santa Claus is a Fat Bitch” Insane Clown Posse

“Feed the World (Do They Know
It’s Christmas?)” Band Aid

“Merry Christmas (Baby Please Come
Home)” U2

“The Little Drummer Boy” Bob Seeger

“Baby its Cold Outside” Buster Poindexter & Sigourney Weaver

“The Coventry Carol” Alison Moyet

Anything by the Tran-Siberian Orchestra

“A Winter’s Solistice IV” Windam Hill

Happy Holidays from Mogadishu Jones and The Gun Moll go out to the Neapolitan Grrrrls, Enchanted Pickle, TheMind, Melissa, Rannoch, Jay “But Can You Kick MY Ass?!” Ward, and everyone else who keeps me writing because you keep reading. And if I didn’t name you, write in and bitch, fucker.

December Advice

2005-12-20T15:38:00.000-08:00

I've been dating this guy for 6 weeks and I think he is great. We really get along great and I know that we're going to keep getting more serious as time goes on. My problem is this; is it too soon for me to give him a Christmas gift? I don't expect one from him so I don't want to bring up the subject with him but I'm wondering if it is too soon. Will I scare him away? Will a gift send the wrong message?
Tina, 16 Utah

Tina, Tina, Tina…tis the season for sharing special moments not supporting mindless consumerism. If you want to give your beau a gift then do so and make sure it’s not expensive or extravagant, but instead something from the heart. Make him dinner, take him on a picnic somewhere, sex him up if you two are at that stage…all of which will be appreciated. And if he gives you a gift and expects one in return, give him his trinket back and tell him Mogadishu Jones said to fuck off.

Can you tell if a man has recently had sex, like that same day or night before? For instance it always seems to me when it’s been several days since my fiancé and I have had sex his balls feel full and they are tight etc. But when they feel all limp like or mooshy it seems like we just recently had sex or He has been MIA with no explanation. But are there any ways to really tell?
Marce, 28 Washington D.C.

As a matter of fact, Marce there is and you have identified them. If your man is cheating then you will know and you can deal with that situation as you feel it needs to be handled. Mogadishu Jones recommends TALKING to him about it first, leaving second, and under no circumstances going Bobbiteering.

Dear Mogadishu Jones, my boyfriend says he will be in excruciating pain, close to death, if he don't ejaculate! Is blue balls for real?
Cristie, 14 Tennessee

Yes Cristie, they are VERY real and VERY painful. So what your boyfriend should do is masturbate to relieve the pressure, then stop grinding his crotch against you like a dog in heat every chance he gets for hours on end. You can aid him by not fondly fondling his package every time he asks you to. If he wants to leave because you won’t be his fuck-puppet, then you are better off without him, and don’t worry, you’ll still see him at family reunions.

My roommate and I have were looking at some porn sites and stumbled across a term we were unaware of. What exactly is "shrimping?
Candy & Teresa, 18, 21 Idaho

There’s a term you don’t hear everyday…well, not around the Den of Iniquity, anyway. Fortunately Mogadishu Jones is web-savvy so he jumped on over to Urban Dictionary and looked it up to get the answer for you. Shrimping is the act of toe-sucking, something women find immensely pleasurable, although for this activity (like many other sexual acts) I recommend a bath first. The hot, soapy water with plenty of bubbles will get you so relaxed that the idea of having your toes sucked won’t seem so odd. Among other acts that I can talk women into after a nice, long soak.

I have a friend and she scratches herself until she bleeds. I told her to stop and I don't like it when she does that. She said that her boyfriend died because of her (he was in a car crash). I said it wasn't your fault and he wouldn't like it if he saw you right now. She said "I feel better when I hurt myself." I don't know what to do, she won't go to counseling any more. Help me!
Rebecca, 13 North Carolina

Rebecca, my advice is to report this behavior to her parentals, school counselors, and any religious people she is in constant contact with. Her problem requires real counseling by trained professionals and while your intentions are good, you don’t qualify.

I enjoy playing in the sexual chat rooms and sometimes enjoy different fantasies; it's my way of having a sexual outlet in a boring marriage without the problems of having an actual affair. Is it illegal to chat about sexual issues to anyone claiming to be under 18? If someone claims to be 17 but is enjoying talking dirty as much as you are is that illegal? I have claimed to be younger or older depending on the fantasy. My thinking is that someone claiming to be a 17 year old cutie could be a 45 year old steel worker.
With the horrible things you hear happening on the internet, people tend to overreact. Are there legal issues that cover chatting?
Jess, 37 Kansas
Yes, Jess, there are MANY legal issues around chat rooms and the age of those using them. If you use IRC chat rooms you are supposed to say “I am *blank* years old” and if that number is less than 18 they ask you to get out if it is a sexually oriented chat room. This policy works flawlessly to protect 13 year olds from accessing BDSM chat rooms, of course, since no one would THINK of lying about their age. As long as you aren’t trying to set up a meeting with anyone who thinks YOU are a child or anyone YOU think is a child then you should be okay.

Dragons, Elves, and Giants....oh my.

2005-12-12T12:25:00.000-08:00

Mogadishu Jones has many interests, among them are, but not limited to: drugs, women, teen-age girls, alcohol, games, guns, and reading. About 2 years I ago I pretty much stopped reading fiction in favor of non-fiction works, most of them of a scientific bend, but I do still read the classics like Steinbeck, Orwell, and that lot. One thing I don’t read, however, is epic fantasy and I will tell you why: it’s fucking moronic. A good example would be from Tolkien’s “Lord of the Rings” where one of the Nazghul is set on fire by Strider. “What’s wrong with that?” you ask? Nothing, really, except the Nazghul all live in Mordor….the land of FIRE. It must fucking SUCK to be them since the whole goddamn country is spewing molten lava 24/7. The chief idiot, however, is not the Godfather of Fantasy, but his heir apparent.

A friend of mine is a big fan of R.A. Salvatore, one of the biggest names in the fantasy genre. Salvatore has made a fortune selling books about a Dark Elf swordsman named Drizzt Du’Urden and his intrepid band of adventurers; the first series of which is a blatant plagiarism of the Lord of the Rings’ first volume, the Fellowship of the Ring a series the author calls The Icewind Dale trilogy. In Salvatore’s defense, his characters are brilliantly written and the dialogue is exceptionally good, but after that the books are pretty worthless since there is absolutely NO drama since you know from the start that the good guys won’t lose and none of them will be killed. And if they ARE killed, it won’t be for long, the rest of the group will just find a way to resurrect them before the series ends. Oh, and let’s not forget that just because there are only 5 heroes they can assault a castle filled with no less than 40 giants, 2 dragons, innumerable Drow (Dark Elves), thousands of goblins, and a platoon of ogres and no one will get more than a broken nail. It’s kind of like a medieval version of Rambo, only literary.

Another problem I have with Salvatore’s stupidity is something that is common to ALL fantasy produced in line with TSR/Wizards of the Coasts “Dungeons & Dragons” setting: intelligent dragons that WANT to hang out with humans, colonies of giants, and Elves that not only tolerate the humans, they actively seek to help them.

I’ll begin with the giants and work my way down from there. Giants got that name because they are FUCKING HUGE, okay? And Salvatore likes to tell us that they are all about 20 feet tall…yet for some reason they all seem to live in villages of 100 or more. Interesting, considering how much food they would have to consume on a daily fucking basis, don’t you think? The same goes for dragons, by the way…how many head of cattle do you suppose a dragon would have to eat each DAY in order to keep itself alive? About 20X what an elephant needs, I think, and they eat their own fucking body weight.

And why would any creature as intelligent as a dragon or an Elf hang out with anything as STUPID, short-sighted, and greedy as a human? Dwarves, yes, that makes perfect sense since they are also greedy, short-sighted, and stupid; but a dragon or an Elf? I don’t fucking think so, mate. The Elves might keep humans as pets, not unlike men keeping monkeys, and dragons might raise humans like rabbits, but other than that, there is no fucking reason for it.

Nor is Salvatore the only one who is guilty, there is an entire industry based on purveying this idiocy. And no, I don’t blame him for giving the moronic masses what they want, after all they keep buying this drivel; I just refuse to waste my money on it.

Salvation Through Destruction

2005-11-27T11:18:00.000-08:00

The Self-Help Secrets of Fight Club

I do not normally find myself drawn to the self-help section of the bookstore; I find very little faith in such things since far too often the authors seek to reduce very complicated problems to very simple solutions. Or, even worse, they will adopt a saccharinated “I’m okay, you’re okay” view that is complete garbage since it is a universal truth that not everyone is okay, some people have very deep and abiding problems that require a great deal of professional care. That being said, when I learned of this requirement for the course, I was disheartened initially, but then I remembered a film that inspired me to change my life and the book that film was based on.
When Chuck Palahniuk wrote “How to Start a Fight” he had no idea the impact it would have on the world: the story was to blossom into a full-length novel and finally a movie with a rabid cult following, young men around the world changed their name to Tyler Durden and numerous websites were created to dissect both the book and the movie to find hidden meaning. Why is this piece of fiction so provocative, so profound? And what makes it a self-help book? I will attempt to answer those questions in the following document.
Fight Club is a self-help volume for the MTV Generation: a generation that has been weaned on bad TV, talking heads, sound-bites that replace in-depth journalism and info-graphics that relieve us of the need for actual independent thought. A world where instant communication allows you to make friends with people on the other side of the planet while ignoring your children and having no idea who your neighbors are. Despair, isolation, and corruption seem to be the order of the day, and a change is needed, but how do you go about finding it? Some self-help programs stress finding religion of some form, but this is a dicey proposition since America’s faith has been rocked by scandal after scandal regarding the alleged Servants of God, whether it was the televangelists of the late 1980’s or the seemingly never-ending stream of revelations about the Catholic church sheltering pederasts and rapists.
. I grew up without real heroes and nothing but scandals, lost in a world where the failings of both church and state were readily visible and almost impossible to ignore. In a world without heroes hope easily fades into apathy and I am no stranger to that particular emotion. As I read the book Palahniuk states “If you are a male in America, your father is your model for God.” So if your father is absent, either physically or emotionally, what conclusions must we draw about God? “Sooner or later you’re going to have to accept that maybe God doesn’t like you. In all probability, he HATES you.” With that realization despair will likely set in, and only then can the healing truly begin as we know from the stages of grief. If my father was my model for God, then it’s no wonder that I have no use for religion in my life, nor do I mourn its absence overmuch. After all, the absence of God can sometimes be less difficult than His presence, let me assure you of that.
“It is only after we have lost everything that we are capable of anything” is another of the catch-phrases of Palahniuk’s theory of “Controlled Demolition,” the clearing away of out-moded thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, and desires to make way for the building of a new understanding of the Self. Using physical violence as a metaphor Palahniuk leads the reader on a journey into the lives of people who can no longer cope with the world their parents made and the solutions they have found: self-destruction as opposed to self-improvement, nihilism as opposed to religion, and fear as a motivational tool.
Rejecting materialism is a good way to begin the process of self-awareness. “You own stuff, stuff owns you,” is a maxim that has been bandied about for generations and has only gotten more true as time has passed. “Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have” is another good one, the balance to the first in fact and while the former is overtly expressed in Fight Club, the latter is implied. I grew up poor and learned early on that to have nothing means you can’t lose anything, and there is a certain sort of freedom in that. Some people cling desperately to possessions, and others regard them as what they are: things. You love them when you get them, take care of them as best you can, but always remember their transient nature. I didn’t truly learn that lesson until later, but to an extent I have always believed it to be real, even if only on a subconscious level.
What drew me to Fight Club was actually the film version, which oddly enough is actually better than the book in several respects, and more specifically Brad Pitt’s portrayal of Tyler Durden, the self-actualized leader of Project Mayhem, a man so aware of himself and his motives that he was willing to endure tremendous physical pain in order to achieve enlightenment. I never saw the movie in the theaters and did not actually watch it until I had left the army and was unemployed, living in a rat-hole apartment and seeking a job. Perhaps it was my minimalist living conditions that primed me to accept the movie and its philosophies, but it struck a chord that resonated with me.
I don’t know all the answers, I don’t even know half the questions, but I keep pushing, searching, struggling to find meaning. I go to college not because my dad wanted me too (which he did), but because I know that if you don’t have that sheepskin you are most likely condemned to a life of manual labor; not that there is anything wrong with that, but I know I am too intelligent to spend my life around people too blind to see the lies and too apathetic to try and change the world. Not that a college degree is any guarantee of a better life, mind you, I work with several people who have BA’s and they do the same job I do for the same money, another sign of the lies of the American Dream: some people will continue to spin their wheels no matter how hard they try, not everyone will grow up to be President, or a rock star, or a movie idol. No matter how great your dreams, someone will always be needed to clean the streets and keep the trains running.
Fight Club doesn’t offer easy answers, only harsh lessons, and those are the ones we learn the best and keep with us the longest. Much of the “Controlled Destruction” philosophy is borrowed from Buddhist teachings and from basic psychological learning, but I feel that does not make it any less valid than many of the other self-help tomes that fill the shelves in the bookstores. Violence is not THE answer, but it is AN answer, and one that needs to be seriously considered when all other options have failed.

Fuck Turkey Day

2005-11-20T11:18:00.000-08:00

Fuck Turkey Day

It’s November and you know what that means: endless reminders of Christmas shopping yet to be done, a slew of holiday movies (some seasonal, most not) at the theaters, and of course, everyone’s favorite holiday: Thanksgiving. Yeah, I called it “Thanksgiving” not “Turkey Day” and there is a reason for that; it’s not about the fucking bird, people! It’s not about stuffing your over-fed, fat, lazy, cholesterol-clogged bodies with even more food before you pass out in front of the Glass Teat while over-played steroid-fueled monsters play a game that actually has zero bearing on the future of the world and our duly-elected government (?) strips even more of our rights away.
When I was a kid Thanksgiving was a day to celebrate “Christian Charity and Goodwill,” whatever the fuck that is, where we were taught that the kind, good-hearted European settlers made a banquet feast for the poor, ignorant savages who lived in their tents outside the confines of the well-built and orderly streets of the Pilgrim settlements. So sweet and touching, isn’t it?
Of course it’s a fucking lie, but that doesn’t make it any less sweet or touching.
“Christian Charity and Goodwill” aside, Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks for what you have, and like Ramadan (the Muslim holy month of fasting, you ignorant fuck) it is also a time to remember those who DON’T have things. Why don’t you try inviting a less-fortunate person or family into your home to enjoy your bounty? Maybe volunteer at a soup kitchen? Mogadishu Jones is not a fucking saint (and some people know that far better than others…) but even I find time to do what I can for those who have less than I do.
Indian Casinos are springing up like weeds here in America, and I for one and thrilled by it. I worked with a female sergeant from California who worked at an Indian casino and this dumb bitch was complaining about how the people who worked there would gamble their paychecks back into the casino and would be less than productive because they knew they would not lose their jobs since they were at least one-quarter Native. And really, they should have known better considering that high standard of living Native Americans have had ever since the Europeans arrived. It’s not like 90% of the Native populace has grown up in trailer parks on shit-fucked tracts of land and been treated like second-class citizens. You might be asking “When did she see this behavior?” Well, oddly enough it was often when she was either working or gambling her paycheck back into the casino…I suppose that is proof that Karma is real. The Natives showed the colonial invaders kindness by helping them to grow food and were repaid with sand in the Vaseline; now the Natives are taking everything the Invaders have LEGALLY.
So I guess the Natives will be having a side dish of revenge to go with their turkey and stuffing and maybe, just possibly, the rest of us could eat some Humble Pie and do something nice for those less fortunate than we are.

Professionalism

2005-11-12T16:43:00.000-08:00

Despite what people would have you believe, there is really only ONE real difference between professionals and amateurs, and it is this: professionals make it look EASY. I don’t care if we are talking about art, hunting, murder, or sports; a professional always makes the most difficult things look effortless. Witness Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) or Bridgette Wilson (Mortal Kombat) as opposed to say, Cynthia Rothrock (Lady Dragon and a billion other shitty movies) and Talisa Soto (Mortal Kombat) for an example; neither of the first two had the slightest martial arts training and it showed in their clumsy moves, whereas the other two actually look like they know what the fuck they are doing and manage to keep their balance when doing the most basic of moves, as well as the more demanding ones.

The reason I bring this up is because of Bob Ross, Mister “Happy Little Trees” himself, of The Magic of Oil Painting fame. That cat is amazing, whether you like him or not, you have to admit he is on top of his game. Well, he was when he was on PBS anyway, dunno where he is or what he is doing now. I do remember watching his show from time to time, and I gotta tell you, watching him bring those landscapes out was like watching David Copperfield (another master of his craft) make the statue of liberty disappear.

So imagine my surprise when I was researching Bob Ross for this article and I find that there is a Bob Ross hater’s society. No shit, I am not making that up, there are art teachers and students who seem to hate this guy, and the following is a sample I plucked off a site:

there IS something horrifying about Bob Ross -- and the fact that my high school students aspire to be just like him.

In an attempt to change this perception, I picked up a copy of one of his videos on ebay (paying more than I thought it would go for), and had my painting class paint along with Bob for a project. By the end of week 2 (it took us that long to watch and copy his instruction, using a remote to pause constantly), I could walk in the room and call out "How do you feel about Bob now?" and the kids would yell back "We hate him!"

We do it every year -- and the results are pretty much the same -- a roomful of lame landscapes that they dislike, and then on to the next project -- observing from life and a much nicer painting.

Posted by Laurie at April 3, 2004 10:25

Let me begin by saying that Mogadishu Jones is not an artist: he is a drunk, a womanizer, a writer, and a teacher, so forgive me for being impressed by this man’s ability to stand in an empty studio and drag these images out of his mind and transfer them onto canvass. I cannot draw a straight line with a fucking ruler and Bob Ross is making happy little trees and nice little rocks, and deep blue skies with fluffy little clouds show up with the ease of Jerry Rice receiving a pass from Joe Montana while both of them are being covered by half the defensive line and running it back 75 yards for a touchdown. That kind of shit impresses me, sorry…but here you have a teacher trying to show her students a master of his craft and instead of teaching them to see his skill and understand it, she undercuts her students by sending the subliminal message “If you want to be good, you have to make a painting as good as HIS” which is this side of impossible for high school kids who in all probability lack both the necessary talent and the years of practice that Ross has used to hone his skills.

Let’s face it, people, just because Mozart was composing symphonies at the age of four doesn’t mean that every child should be able to do it. “Some people can do what others cannot” is the philosophy of Robert Jordan’s Aiel and it is an idea that really needs to be taught in schools. It is not an excuse to not try, but it is a way of saving yourself the aggravation of endlessly struggling to live up to unrealistic expectations and beating yourself stupid because you are 26 years old and a musician and you haven’t hit the big time even though 50 Cent had a Gold Record by the time HE was 26 and there is no excuse for that travesty except that the American people are now willing to plunk down their hard earned money for any kind of crap.

Anyway, keep that shit in mind the next time you get depressed because you can’t do something as well as you idol.

Johnny Appleseed Revisited

2005-11-06T18:26:00.000-08:00

Editor’s Note: Hello again, it’s Mogadishu Jones here, ready to dazzle you with wit, wisdom, and charm. Or just give you some food for thought…anyway, before I leave you with the wisdom of my California correspondent, Jay “But can you kick MY ass?!” Ward, allow me to welcome Maggie to the Road. Hope you stay with us for a few miles, love…and now, for today’s posting.

Johnny Appleseed of LSD

I love drugs. This does not include heroin or crystal meth though. Marijuana is the healing of the nation and one of god’s great miracles. Even though I don’t believe in god. Weed and mushrooms grow out of the earth and have evolved and grown right alongside mankind for eons. They are the absolute best thing that grows on earth besides pussy. I wish I could go plant a field of pussy and then harvest that shit. But then again who wants a field of women nagging the shit out of you. I guess I’ll take the field of herb instead.

Let me tell you a tale about a man who thought he could change the world hit by wonderful hit. This man was treated like a demigod by many and someones lunatic uncle by far more. He was an inventor, a bootlegger, a G-man, a sailor, and a millionaire. None of these trades gave him the satisfaction or drive that his final career would offer. Captain Alfred M. Hubbard was born in the year1900. At the age of 17 he invented the Hubbard Energy Transformer. A device that was housed in an 11” by 14” box that powered a Seattle ferry around Portico Bay for 3 days nonstop. This device was sold to the Radium Corporation for $75,000. This revolutionary invention has never been heard from again. During prohibition he drove a taxi cab with a sophisticated ship to shore communication system in the trunk. He coordinated many liquor drops by reporting were the coast guard and such were located. He was caught by the FBI and spent 18 months in jail. He is rumored to have helped out with the infamous Manhattan Project. President Truman grants him Presidential Pardon #2676 and he begins working for the OSS as a maritime specialist smuggling goods to and from Canada. He becomes a Canadian citizen and opens Marine Manufacturing and becomes a millionaire pretty quick. By this time Alfred owns a fleet of planes, a 100ft yacht and an island off the coast of Canada. His life should be going well, he has it all. Instead, he is totally miserable and pondering the meaning of life. In his search for the meaning, he goes hiking in Spokane. While there an angel appears to him and tells him something great will happen in his future.

In 1951 the Hibberd Journal publishes an article about the use of LSD on lab rats. This article is the spark that starts the fire of the introduction of LSD to the world. Alfred immediately contacted the scientists and fell in love with this amazing drug. After his first trip he was a true believer. He was a main component of the MK-ULTRA experiments the CIA conducted. He estimates exposing around 6,000 people to LSD, with and without their consent. This project was banned in 1966 and all the records were destroyed in 1973 by the head of Psychological Research Division. During his years with the MK-ULTRA project he ran numerous tests on clinically depressed and completely rational individuals. His results showed that there was considerable improvement in curing depression and suicidal behavior. Its euphoric effects were well documented and so were its neurotic effects. Basically the gist of the research that’s available states that depending on your personality will change the drugs effect. That not until you relax and give up all inhibitions can you truly see the world through the eyes of LSD.

Alfred Hubbard was the first to use the word psychedelic. He received a poem from a Dr. Humprhey Osmond who wrote

“To fathom hell or soar angelic

Just take a pinch of psychedelic”

He is also created with introducing LSD to Hollywood. He has claimed to have dosed with a Monsignor of a Catholic Church and AA founder Bill Wilson. He has also supplied acid to the likes of Cary Grant, James Coburn, Jack Nicholson, and Stanley Kubrick. He once showed up at Timothy Leary’s house dressed in a military uniform with a Colt.45 on his hip and traded LSD for Psilocybin, the main drug in mushrooms. He was also very friendly with Aldous Huxley who wrote “Brave New World”. Since the US Government made LSD illegal, Alfred decided it was time to move. He set up shop in Switzerland were he brought along 10,000 hits for research. He was arrested and deported shortly after arriving and sent back to the U.S. The FDA grants him a New Drug Permit and his research was back on. He has claimed that regular LSD doses for a sustained time will cure alcoholism, depression, and conditions of the mind. Then the hippies and counter culture arrived and ruined his party. He despised them and Leary. He had visions of giving LSD to Fortune 500 chairmen and changing society for the better. But it was all fading away. The government confiscated all his acid and he went and hid a sacred parcel in Death Valley, Ca. This great pioneer of psychedelic innovation proved over his lifetime that LSD is a great thing for some and hell for others. Everytime I fry I think of this man. Some people have heroes like MLK Jr. or a parent, or an athlete. But my hero is Alfred M. Hubbard a man who died in a trailer park in Casa Grande, AZ.

Fake Resumes, Lumpy Sperm, and MORE Lesbians Wanna-bes

2005-10-30T10:19:00.000-08:00

Editor’s Note: Everything you read on this site are true stories, opinions, and news events. This world is too sick for me to have to make shit up.

Mogadishu Jones

What about dating? People either hook up and feel rejected or hook up and start dating exclusively (and the evening usually ends in at least a mild hook-up--but not necessarily). What happened to going on dates with guys that interested you, and girls not flipping out if guys went out with a number of girls, too, without looking like a "player." I am not talking about one-night stands or taking advantage of anyone, just good old dating, what's your POV?
James, 32 in Kansas

Oddly enough, Mogadishu Jones is very much in favor of dating and often advises young women who seek his advice to not have sex on the first date since it lowers their worth in the eyes of the prospective bf. I have nothing against one-night stands or sport-fucking, mind you, if that’s your thing, good luck with it…but dating for the sake of dating is a dying thing it seems.

is it just me or are there ne other people, with lumpy sperm, not all the time may I add only sometimes when i spurt. cos my gf has kinda just noticed!
jamie, 17 in Montana

Um…NO, Jamie, it really is YOU. Mogadishu Jones is not a urologist, but there are some things you just take for granted as a sign of something being WRONG, and lumps in your semen is one of them. Better visit WebMd or, if you can afford it, a real live doctor.

I went to a party at the weekend and i went with this boy. When i got in school today everyone is coming up to me and asking did you go with ****? And its really annoying. I’d like it to be between him and me - I’m well annoyed, what did he tell them?
Sandra, 15 in Michigan

Let me grab the old Crystal Ball here and see if I can scry the past for you….um, sorry kid, not able to dial in anything, but let’s try Sherlock Holmesing this, shall we? You said you “went to a party” right? I am going to go out on a limb here and guess other people were there? People who might know you? People who might have noticed you were there with this guy? Maybe he didn’t say shit except “I went to a party with Sandra” and that was it? You’re best way is to ask him, and stop getting pissed because you went to a social function with him.

Dear Mogadishu Jones, at a party one of my girlfriends got X for both of us and we tried it then, and it was reallly cool. Shes 18 and I'm 17, we danced with a lot or people, even kissed and switched partners and danced and kissed some more, and kissed each other too.
She's not talking to me now but it was her hands all over me, and I mean squeezin my boobs and ass too so I wonder what's wrong. I mean it was ok, but not enough to quit talking over!
Sissy, 17 in Colorado

Hrm…this is interesting Sissy. Are you sure it was HER hands on you? You said you two had switched partners and were kissing…was she kissing someone else, or was it just you? If it was both of you, maybe she is feeling that she betrayed you and that you betrayed her…maybe she is now questioning the strength of your relationship. I think it’s high time (no pun intended) you talked to her about this and got things straightened out. And if you know the Neapolitan Grrrrls, give all their asses a smack for me.

Hi, I've had it with schitzo wanna-be lez chicks. They have more attitude than black chicks even if they are dumber than a bag of chicken's feet. I'm Asian-American, and never though it would be so tough finding a girlfriend that can be true. My last gf started out a 'virgin' at 17 and she was happy with every thing we did. Till a male started hitting on her when he heard she was a lezbian. Now, after 10 months of me paying her bills and taking care of her, she's getting fucked by him, laughing as she tells me she's pregnant. *shrugs* she moved into his apartment last week.
Maybe I'm lucky. What do you think?
Emalee, 21 in Nevada

Well, Emalee, there are always people who will use you to satisfy their own desires, and bi-sexuals are not immune to it. True lesbians do not have sex with men for the same reason true homosexuals do not have sex with women: it’s not their thing. You’re better off without this chick and if she was only 17 when you met her, maybe you shouldn’t have expected too much out of it. Stop dating high school girls and expecting lasting commitments, silly.

I moved to a horrible place in the Midwest last year for the sake of Mr. Mediocre. Things ended a few months ago, and I'm getting ready to go back east where I belong. While I've been out here in the Midwest, I've been a self-employed writer. So, now as I'm applying to jobs back east, the first question every interviewer asks me is "What brought you to the Midwest?" From my resume, it's obvious that I never had a regular job here, and that I had a good gig going back east before I left. So, how do I explain this move to a prospective employer?
Laurel, 25 in Nebraska

It’s really not that hard, Laurel…you are a writer, yes? What more reason do you need then that? Henry Miller moved to Paris and lived the life of a Bohemian artist as did Oscar Wilde and numerous others, now while Mogadishu Jones is not suggesting you compare yourself to them, I am saying you can just tell anyone who asks “I was there for the experience” or maybe “I was writing about the area but I got homesick” and that should settle that. Also, padding the resume never hurts, what’s the worst they can do? Refuse to hire you?

Showdown at the Olympia Corral

2005-10-23T11:00:00.000-07:00

Did you know there is a 9mm pistol called the Baby Eagle? I am not making that shit up…someone actually thought that was a cool name for a gun. Those of you who know Mogadishu Jones know that he loves guns like he loves heroin and he is equally discerning with both and the only way he is going to own a gun with the word “Baby” on it will be if that word is immediately followed by “Killer”. What type of man would own a gun called Baby Eagle? Read on and learn…

Jay Ward and I met when we worked at the same job, and we eventually learned that we shared many common interests, including guns, cards, drinking, and women. It was only natural that we start hanging out and enjoying our favorite activities and that is how our story opens. We used to take our guns down to Rock Candy Mountain and blast soda cans, watermelons, shit like that, to let off steam (Jay owned two guns, a .45 Taurus and a massive .454 that would completely decapitate a target, while I have a simple S&W 9mm) and then we would go back to Jay’s apartment and play cards.

On one of these nights we had my old room-mate, let’s call him Leon; another of our co-workers, let’s call him Eric; and when we got back to the apartment we found a fifth card player already there; we’ll call him Tyler. Well when we get there we find out Tyler had brought beer, vodka (Smirnoff, not Absolut, cheap fucker) and money to lose, so the evening looked full of promise. Ah if I had only known…

The game was Dealer’s Choice, and if we had only known what a dipshit Tyler was we never would have allowed him to deal. Live and learn, I suppose. Anyway, the game was progressing well with Leon eliminated early (oddly enough he recently won a poker tournament with a pot of $4500), leaving the four of us to drink and play. Erik was sticking to beer since he wasn’t much of a drinker or card player, while Tyler was sipping from a 40. I am not making that shit up either; he really was sipping from a 40 of some shit beer. Maybe it was the malt liquor, maybe it was natural stupidity, but Tyler kept fucking up the deal. He would deal right instead of left, he would short people, over-deal others…it was a disaster.

It was when he dealt Seven Card Draw that I finally lost it. I had taken as much of his idiocy as I could handle (and I was coming in second on the win-list, btw, so I wasn’t being a sore loser) and this was the last straw. Suddenly we were in a scene from a Quentin Tarentino movie, and I was a white Samuel L. Jackson.

I grab my gun and slam it on the table, staring into Tyler’s eyes. “Do it again. Fuck up the deal one more time, motherfucker!” I growl at him.

“Um…what…are you gonna shoot me, now?” he responds, a dumb look on his face. He normally has a dumb look on his face though, so this was not unusual.

“Good idea, Tyler” Jay says as he sips his drink. “Antagonize the drunk guy with a gun. Real smart move.”

For his part, Eric is just sitting there watching us like Steve Buscemi in Reservoir Dogs, only not being cool in the slightest. Anyway, the hand was redealt and I ended up placing second that week in the roster.

You would have thought it would have ended there, right? WRONG. No, Tyler has to go and tell everyone at work about it, then to either prove to himself he is not a bitch or to maybe to try impress people he goes out and buys a gun. A “Baby Eagle.” He couldn’t get a man’s gun; he has to go get something a chick would use…I don’t know, maybe it’s just me and Jay, but that shit would never fly with the Whiskey Enema crowd.

Words of Wisdom?

2005-10-16T11:28:00.000-07:00

Editor’s Note: Morning everyone, it’s Mogadishu Jones again. This week Jay “But can you kick MY ass?!” Ward makes a triumphant return to the Road and it seems that like Paul on the Road to Damascus, the scales have fallen from his eyes. I’m glad to see you’ve stopped drinking the Kool-Aid, mate.
********************************************************

This is something I found that happens to be written by Bush Sr in March of 1998. I thought you might enjoy it, I did. I guess sometimes Daddies right.

“While we hoped that popular revolt or coup would topple Saddam, neither the U.S. nor the countries of the region wished to see the breakup of the Iraqi state. We were concerned about the long-term balance of power at the head of the Gulf. Trying to eliminate Saddam, extending the ground war into an occupation of Iraq, would have violated our guideline about not changing objectives in midstream, engaging in "mission creep," and would have incurred incalculable human and political costs. Apprehending him was probably impossible. We had been unable to find Noriega in Panama, which we knew intimately. We would have been forced to occupy Baghdad and, in effect, rule Iraq. The coalition would instantly have collapsed, the Arabs deserting it in anger and other allies pulling out as well. Under those circumstances, furthermore, we had been self-consciously trying to set a pattern for handling aggression in the post-cold war world. Going in and occupying Iraq, thus unilaterally exceeding the U.N.'s mandate, would have destroyed the precedent of international response to aggression we hoped to establish. Had we gone the invasion route, the U.S. could conceivably still be an occupying power in a bitterly hostile land. It would have been a dramatically different--and perhaps barren--outcome.”

Shit Happens

Well that’s truly insightful. I guess you’re absolutely right.

Two towers get hit by a plane…. Shit Happens.

Pentagon gets hit by a plane…. Shit Happens.

Chase after the perpetrator in Afghanistan but he gets away while surrounded… Shit Happens.

Blame another country without any credible evidence and get your country in a quagmire… Shit Happens.

Insurgents sabotage industry and rebuilding efforts… Shit Happens.

Insurgents ambush American troops… Shit Happens.

A train in Spain gets bombed… Shit Happens.

Coalition workers are kidnapped, members of the coalition pull out their forces… Shit Happens.

London is bombed… Shit Happens.

America can’t afford to rotate troops out, soldiers their keep getting their stay extended… Shit Happens.

So much shit happening, so much Bullshit happening. But why bother thinking about it, thinking hurts.

Sticking Feathers Up Your Butt Does Not Make You a Chicken

2005-10-09T00:19:00.000-07:00

Editor’s Note: Mogadishu Jones would like to begin my saying thank you to everyone who showed their support (yes, TheMind, I am especially talking to YOU) and waited patiently for this new posting. Hope it lives up to the expectations and I will see you next week!

**************************
I went to this Diversity Training thing for school this weekend, and it was okay for the most part, although to be honest I am sick to death of having to either justify myself for being white, having to apologize for shit I had nothing to do with, and for listening to minorities pissing and moaning about how in order to fit in in America they have to sacrifice their culture. Don’t get me wrong, Mogadishu Jones is well aware that racism is alive and well in America as is sexism, classism, and several other isms that I find equally offensive and deplorable. But you will not solve the problem by blaming every white person you see, or by reinforcing stereotypes with poor behavior. Also, crying “Racism” every time you can’t get a taxi is not going to help your case.

Oh, and having grown up in the ghetto Mogadishu Jones knows very well what poverty looks like, what it feels like to have no money in your pockets, or heat in your house in the winter so spare me the self-righteous indignation until I finish. Still with me? Good, let’s move on.

One of the women in class was a Latino and she was talking about how she and her husband and son went home to visit her mother who took them to a restaurant for dinner. When they arrived they saw a sign that read “No bandannas, do-rags, athletic gear, hats, or baggy clothes” or, as this woman stated “The stuff we would normally wear in the winter.” Well, she and her husband were scandalized and offended but they said nothing, simply enjoying the meal…until they left and got in the car where her 8 year old son said “Nice place, Grandma. Could you have taken us someplace a little more white?”

(Now, at this point I would like to interrupt the narrative to say that I would have slapped the kid for being so disrespectful. Also, I don’t like the idea that being “white” is a bad thing, I have been white my entire life, and I find it works for me, even if I am not rich and powerful and likely never will be.)

Anyway, this woman’s mother didn’t seem to understand the Keepin’ It REAL aspect of the situation and tried to explain to her grandson that the management simply wanted to keep the place clear of undesirable elements. This wasn’t a good choice of words because her daughter now felt she and her immediate family were now being considered “undesirable elements” since they choose to dress in the same manner as street gangs. “My son is afraid to ride the bus because the Gothic kids are on it. They scare him.” She complained.

Well, as scary as Goth people are, the fact remains that they are not constantly being portrayed on the news as gun-toting, drive-by shooting, drug dealers; baggy panted, bandannaed, athletic gear sporting whites, blacks, Asians, and Latinos ARE. Goths are less known for homicide than they are for suicide, and if they want to off themselves, who really cares? One less gas station attendant will not make that much difference (sorry Chocolate) to the world since most pumps are self-serve anyway.

I imagine that once Marilyn Manson, A Perfect Circle, and Cradle of Filth start making videos showing them robbing people, doing drive-by’s and writing songs about raping women with firearms then maybe their fans will start getting press as murderers, but until then, look at the facts and deal with it.

As for the charge that you have to sacrifice your culture to be an American, allow me to respond with this: wearing a Dashiki does NOT make you an African. Wearing a sombrero does NOT make you a Mexican. And wearing a kilt does NOT make you a Scotsman. So unless you were born and raised someplace OTHER than the United States, then guess what? You are an American. Not African, not Mexican, Honduran, Scottish, German, or Polish. You have to be FROM those places to qualify for that nationality. Otherwise you are just of that DESCENT. You can speak your native tongue, or make an effort to learn it; you can try learning the history and culture of your ancestors – this is called HERITAGE. Mogadishu Jones is not Irish-American because he was born in the US as was father Jones. Grand-father Jones was Irish-American since he was an Immigrant. See how it works? Simply put, sticking feathers up your butt does NOT make you a chicken.

As for the whole issue of slavery, that shit ended in 1890 and while Mogadishu Jones is an old fucker, he is not quite THAT old, so don’t go blaming me for that shit since I had nothing to do with it.

And yes, I am VERY well aware that the crime laws in this great country of ours are stacked AGAINST minorities, and I have even written about it prior to now, so cut me some slack on that too. If you don’t like the system you live under, you have three main options:

1. Leave the country and seek a better life elsewhere,

2. Start taking an active interest in your politicians and actually hold them accountable for their misdeeds.

3. Start a revolution.

Pick your favorite and good luck with it.

What if?

2005-10-04T18:08:00.000-07:00

Someone somewhere understands irony.
Go ahead and comment if you do too!

The Gun Moll just felt like sharing tonight, I'd be pleased if you do too.

Public Service Announcement

2005-10-03T15:01:00.000-07:00

I am sorry to have to say this, but I will not be able to continue posting new material every day. I work a 40 hour week AND go to school AND try to maintain a social life outside of those activities so the pressure of coming up with new stuff on such a regular basis is straining both my creativity and my time. So, with regret, Mogadishu Jones will only be posting on weekly installments for the foreseeable future.

For all of my friends out there like: Laine (or whatever you are calling yourself today), Chocolate, Vanilla, Meers, Callie2, and all you others, I apologize but such is life.

Making comments?

2005-10-02T10:36:00.000-07:00

Mogadishu Jones abides.
Comment and let your presence be known - no more flittering by without so much as a by your leave! How can We encourage you and reward you if you don’t at least stop and let us know you were here? Be Brave!

Saturday, October 01, 2005 <^> Hearts and Minds

Friday, September 30, 2005 <^> I am the Corruptor

You were not brave enough to comment on either day yet! Fie upon you, FIE!

Thursday, September 29, 2005 <^> Wedding Dresses and Panties

I guess I'll be strawberry again (from the girl who can't hold a grude...) said...

Awww we love you Jones. So funny sometimes.
And how are silky g-strings and hand pearled things practical?

Mogadishu Jones says g-strings and hand pearled things come off FIRST and look pretty nice in little piles on the floor – also says we loves you too - you know you’ll always be strawberry to us!

jason said...

sure it's easy pasting in your chats, did you run out of good ideas?
thought I'd catch up wtih your blog.
I'm working 40-50 hours so I can't spend MY Time online just chatting up girls.
guess there's some use for those posts.

Mogadishu Jones thanks Jason for showing his interest in THE ROAD TO XIBALBA! He wants you to know He works 40 hours and also goes to college AND makes sweet sweet cuddles and lovvin with his Wumman – and STILL gets the chatty chikkies to give him stuff to post!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 <^> Pagan Weddings, Lesbian Chic, and Homecoming Kisses

Laine said...

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I sent you an advice email....t'would be interesting..
But looks like you gave good advice....woooo...
and now I'm off to die for a few more days...
*grumbles about not being able to find her cell*

Mogadishu Jones is there for you Laine *Wink* Go ahead, send in yore questions, in fact, ask around and get your friends at school to tell you some of these questions, send in a Bunch!

Meers said...

Hey Jones! I'm back at school,(too many classes to follow your blog every day, sorry) and the kids are all full of all kinds of questions, looks like you are handling some tricky ones - keep up the good work!

Mogadishu Jones is honored to keep Meers as a worthy commenter! Just a suggestion, if those are big kids, give them access to the Road to Xibalba!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 <^> Celebrity Authors

Broken Spectre said...

Re: Madonna and Child(ren). Cracks me up that she's writing childrens books:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/3103160.stm

In defense of kissing Spears and Aguilara:

"the kind of kiss you would give your sister".

Roll that beautiful mouth footage...

http://www.milkandcookies.com/images/feature/b/britney_madonna_christina.jpg

Hmm...it would appear that Madonna has had quite an influence on these two younger women, who in turn have quite an influence on even younger women.

We'll see how long it takes Britney to write a childrens book!

Mogadishu Jones welcomes you to the Road, he even visited your site and saw the very good haiku (not that Mogadishu Jones is an aficionado of that type of poem)

windoblinds said...

The site's very professional! Keep up the good work! Oh yes, one extra comment - maybe you could add more pictures too! So, good luck to your team!
Check out my new site:)

Mogadishu Jones is under the suspicion that you, windowblinds, are a spammer! HA! Prove that statement wrong! (The Gun Moll made certain there are images)

Laine said...

*groans* Damn Celebs...I'm still not sure why we are supposed to care....

Mogadishu Jones understands Laine – WE don’t care about celebs either!

Monday, September 26, 2005 <^> In the Name of Charity?

Chocolate said...

No ones happy unless that have something to bitch about. I think its great people are giving money. So everyone should just shut their mouths and be greatful for once. Not that we're a country famous for our thankfulness.

Laine said...

I just think it's cool that she is donating something. So many people aren't. and who cares what the hell amount it is compared to her salary? I would think any amount would help to get those people able to move back home. who cares who it's given by.
I don't....

vanilla said...

I agree completley. Who cares what the percentage of a person's income they donate, the important thing is that the needs are met. Of course, giving blood is a good way to support medical needs too, sadly anemia dosent work well when youre trying to help on that front. The good news of course is that I have finaly found a good use for all of the coinage in my little piggy bank *nodnod*
*still wears silver mardi gra beads*

Mogadishu Jones is so tickled to have the Neopolitan Girls commenting! Each one has a valid point! Keep up the good work Girls!!

Hearts and Minds

2005-10-01T22:10:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe what I read. I cannot believe what I have seen. Even after all the lies, treachery, and deceit by our President I cannot believe the British Army would do something like this. Follow the links, Reuters is an internationally recognized news source. Of course, they are part of the Liberal Liar Network of disinformation that is so desperately hiding the truth that Iraq has a billion tons of chemical weapons, hundreds of nuclear-ready missiles, and thousands of vials of germs ready to be unleashed on the world if the Coalition should leave so you can’t really believe anything they say, now can you?

*sigh* I am tired and discouraged and I have a physical fitness test in the morning and I just finished “Fight Club” and I am going to write a paper on it and fuck me I can’t stand this world or the fact that I am sworn to follow the orders of the Fascist in Chief and I need to break away somehow, get myself clean.

I am the Corruptor

2005-09-30T13:49:00.000-07:00

Everyone has a mission in life, a place that they fill, a niche that is exclusively theirs. It has taken Mogadishu Jones 30 years to find his and realize what it is, but now I know and like they say, once you know you can never go back.

Mogadishu Jones helps people find what they are seeking (whether they know it or not), holding up a mirror that reflects their inner doubts, fears, and desires and lets them make the choice. I frighten people with my insights, my awareness of things they would rather not acknowledge about themselves, and my willingness to openly discuss the most taboo of subjects with a scientific detachment. Or, ever worse, with the intensity and passion of a lover.

Which would frighten you more, do you think? That Mogadishu Jones, a man you have only a passing acquaintance with, can so readily penetrate the carefully constructed façade you present to the world and get you to talk about personal, private feelings with the detachment of a therapist, or that I can get into your head and inflame you with the urgent whispers of someone who has seen you naked and exposed?

I’m not bragging, mind you, I am just presenting my case to the world. The Road is not idle words, foolish games, idiotic questions shouted at an unfeeling and uncaring net of strangers. Mogadishu Jones, Jay Ward, and The Gun Moll are here to provide a service to you, the Reader, the Traveler, and the Searcher. We exist to show you aspects of the world you have never seen, never imagined existed, never dared to venture into. A few years ago I was talking to a Cambodian chick I met online who lived in California and she was telling me how she met some guy in a club and he took her to an orgy; how shocked she was that such a thing was occurring in her home town and how “It’s like there is this entire world out there I was completely unaware of.”

There are MANY worlds that we are unaware of, all existing simultaneously and independent (as independent as it is possible to be, at any rate) of each other. The Corporate World, the Underworld, the world of Teenagers, and so many others that we don’t see and don’t know exist until that fateful moment when we take THIS turn or got to THAT bar or strike up a conversation with HIM, asking HER out. Mogadishu Jones cannot resist a ringing telephone and that is how when I was 15 he met a 36 year old woman who used to call pay telephones in Philadelphia and ask the people who answered to talk dirty to her.

That is why I exist. To show you these worlds, to peel back the layers of illusion and expose you to things you may not want to see but you should be aware of nonetheless. It is only by acknowledging fear that we can defeat it. Only by understanding desire can you satisfy it. And it is only through enlightenment that we can change what we are into what we wish to be.

I want to thank those of you who continue to walk The Road to Xibalba because I am doing this for YOU, my friend. I am not shouting into a void and neither are Jay nor The Gun Moll. As Cool Hand Luke said “Love me, hate me, kill me, anything.” Just don’t leave me standing in the rain talking to myself.

Wedding Dresses and Panties

2005-09-29T17:45:00.000-07:00

So I was talking to this chick online one day and we started talking about her impending wedding. Not that Mogadishu Jones is opposed to marriage. Theoretically anyway, it’s just that I am not really into the bullshit trappings that go along with it. It used to be (and still is in many countries) that the girl’s parents paid a dowry to the groom to start the young couple off. Now a guy has to go $4, 000 into debt with a fucking ring otherwise she feels shortchanged or something. Anyway, this is just the sort of thing I talk about to chicks on the Net. The ones I talk to on the phone get more…interesting…conversations.

HotEasyDeadGurl (9:58:10 PM): I don’t know it was odd

Mogadishu Jones (9:59:38 PM): getting married is not odd

HotEasyDeadGurl (10:00:55 PM): it was for me I mean trying on the dress I am a tee shirt and jeans type of girl and there I was standing there in yards of satin three different veils and a tiara thing

Mogadishu Jones (10:02:00 PM): and how much would this dress run?

HotEasyDeadGurl (10:02:10 PM): about three hundred

HotEasyDeadGurl (10:02:24 PM): its just simple satin no train no beading really simple

Mogadishu Jones (10:04:19 PM): think you're going to have a daughter?

HotEasyDeadGurl (10:04:31 PM): wha?

HotEasyDeadGurl (10:04:35 PM): not any time soon I hope

Mogadishu Jones (10:04:48 PM): so why spend 300 on a dress you are only going to wear once?

HotEasyDeadGurl (10:05:41 PM): well im not small enough to wear my grandmothers who was a size one and my mothers I wouldn’t wear if it killed me

Mogadishu Jones (10:07:41 PM): black leather?

HotEasyDeadGurl (10:07:57 PM): no it was made in the 70's

Mogadishu Jones (10:08:11 PM): polyester?

HotEasyDeadGurl (10:08:28 PM): I just not going there and I don’t like it it’s too frilly my grandmothers is simple white satin long sleeved that buttons up the back with full train it’s really pretty

Mogadishu Jones (10:08:47 PM): sounds like it

HotEasyDeadGurl (10:09:18 PM): I tend to go more with the simpler things in life I don’t want to be drowned into debt with a dress

Mogadishu Jones (10:10:11 PM): nice...

Mogadishu Jones (10:10:21 PM): so would you consider yourself a minimalist?

HotEasyDeadGurl (10:10:34 PM): in sertin aspects yes

HotEasyDeadGurl (10:11:15 PM): I like my cloths simple jeans and tee shirt comfy sweaters on cold days a nice pair of hiking boots and Im good. I like my living spaces to be plush and comfy but not cluttered.

Mogadishu Jones (10:15:18 PM): *nod* so thong undies then?

HotEasyDeadGurl (10:16:11 PM): No I run the gambit with undies I like silk g strings I have a few pair of hand stitched la pearls a few pairs of boy shorts a lot of lacy little things

Mogadishu Jones (10:17:26 PM): nice

HotEasyDeadGurl (10:17:49 PM): like I said im a practical girl and wear what is called for wearing

Mogadishu Jones (10:20:21 PM): sweeeeet

HotEasyDeadGurl (10:20:48 PM): lol why is that

Mogadishu Jones (10:22:09 PM): because we like chickies with lotsa panties

HotEasyDeadGurl (10:22:48 PM): lol I have small obsessions with them like most girls

Mogadishu Jones (10:24:07 PM): you should take some pics modeling them

HotEasyDeadGurl (10:24:23 PM): lol nope those are only for my bf

Mogadishu Jones (10:27:18 PM): can't blame me for trying

HotEasyDeadGurl (10:27:30 PM): no I can’t

HotEasyDeadGurl (10:27:42 PM): shouldn’t your girl friend be the only one you want to see in undies ;)

Mogadishu Jones (10:28:46 PM): no

Mogadishu Jones (10:28:51 PM): the fuck is wrong with you?

HotEasyDeadGurl (10:29:42 PM): lol I don’t know I just though

HotEasyDeadGurl (10:29:44 PM): thought

Mogadishu Jones (10:30:25 PM): having a gf, wife, husband, love slave doesn't mean you should stop looking at others.

HotEasyDeadGurl (10:30:47 PM): love slave?

Mogadishu Jones (10:32:25 PM): yeah, you know, like The Gimp in Pulp Fiction, if you are into that sort of thing.

HotEasyDeadGurl (10:33:03 PM): hmmm im not really into that

HotEasyDeadGurl signed off at 10:33:25 PM.

Mogadishu Jones (3:40:32 PM): I am working on another blog entry...this one about wedding dresses

Vanilla (3:40:48 PM): for or against?

Mogadishu Jones (3:41:00 PM): I'm against them

Vanilla (3:42:17 PM): so you'd rather the brides walk down nekkid? ... Wait... it’s you; of course you want them to

Mogadishu Jones (3:42:25 PM): *snicker*

Pagan Weddings, Lesbian Chic, and Homecoming Kisses

2005-09-28T14:18:00.000-07:00

Editor’s Note: In yesterday’s post I forgot to mention that John Gotti the crime boss for NYC’s Gambino Family was ALSO a children’s book author. You see, THAT is why I am not a fiction writer, I don’t have the imagination it takes to top reality.

Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything—I believe we should all live and let live. But lately,
I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock. Any advice on how to handle a tricky situation like this?
Jay, 28 in California

Well, that IS a problem, isn’t it? I suppose I would have to recommend that you start by wearing PANTS. If that doesn’t resolve the matter, you could try telling these guys that while you appreciate the attention and are flattered, you just aren’t into the gay lifestyle.

Dear Mogadishu Jones,
My friend's girlfriend is 20. She’s just dropped her highly politicized lesbian stance. Amanda had been acting weird and avoiding Meghan all month. Then Amanda said she wanted to re-evaluate their relationship. Maybe it's because their sex life was so bad. I never knew this, but, apparently, Amanda wasn't ever really all that affectionate in private. Isn't that strange? The way she'd yell and scream at rallies, I always assumed Amanda was a total lesbian sexual dynamo. Now, she's suddenly not a dyke anymore?
Katie Jacobsen, 19 in Ohio

It does sound a bit odd, Katie, I can’t deny that. It is entirely possible that Amanda was simply following the trend of Lesbian Chic, something made popular by Madonna about ten years ago when she was fucking Sandra Bernhard (with a mouth that large you know she is great for oral. On a moose, perhaps, but hey, who is Mogadishu Jones to judge?), then reawakened by Ellen DeGeneres’ former girlfriend Anne Heche who suddenly decided SHE wasn’t gay anymore once her career oh-so-briefly left the ground. Kind of like Howard Hughes’ plane The Spruce Goose.

I just got a girlfriend, she's 14 and I'm 15, we're going to homecoming, and it's such a big deal.
What I want to know is will she just kiss me and what's the best way to get her to kiss me??
Thanks.
Josh, 15 in Idaho

Well, Josh, the best advice I can give you is to sport a large amount of cash. No, just kidding. She MIGHT just kiss you, she might wait for YOU to kiss HER…it’s tricky to say. You’re best bet is to start simple, holding her hand, slipping an arm around her waist, things like that. If you two make lasting eye-contact (not psychotic staring, mind you) then you might feel the urge to kiss her. If she responds, congratulations my friend, you are a winner.. If she pulls back, then accept it GRACEFULLY; make sure she feels safe and comfortable. And if you see her kissing someone ELSE…feel free to lose your mind and knock her out. Unless she is kissing another girl, of course, then just ask if you can watch…

This guy in my class is so cute, but he never even looks at me, he's Japanese, an exchange student in 10th grade. What can I do to get his attention? One of my friends told him she likes him, do I have to wait to see if he asks her out or what?
Marce, 16 in Montana

Well Marce, if she is a friend, you are obligated to wait 3 days to see if he takes her up on her offer; if he doesn’t then he is fair game. Just remember that he is from Asia, the culture there is very insular and they have a saying “The nail that sticks up gets pounded down.” Keep that in mind when you approach him, he might just be shy and not willing to step out there and take the risk of offending anyone, or even worse, being rejected by the hot Gaijin.

Hey Jones! I'm going to ask my girlfriend of 5 years to marry me, we've talked and it would be great, just nothing planned yet - we DON'T want a huge expensive ceremony since we are basically pagans. Could you suggest something that will bring her to know she means every thing to me? I only this year even told her I loved her and that SHE IS the ONE.
Do you think wedding rings & all the dopey traditional stuff is a MUST have?
I thought about taking her on a flight somewhere cool and while we are up, get the crew to call her and me to first class where I could ask her, really special. Or maybe at the coffee shop we go to each week, it's been a tradition, all the baristas know us now, they'd help to make it memorable, maybe even take pics of her smiling at me, huh. Is that too dull?
Orion, 31 in Oregon

Well, Orion, she has been your GF for 5 years and you just decided to tell her you love her? Okay, I am going to guess she knows you aren’t just saying that so now the question is where…I would recommend the coffee shop if you are SURE she will say yes. If you are uncertain then both of the choices you have listed are BAD. The plane because you can’t LEAVE and the coffee shop because you can’t ever go back.

As for the ring and ceremony, I intend to cover that sort of thing in a blog this week or next, actually. Your best bet is to get her to say “yes” then the pair of you can work out how you want it done. If either of you is active in your local pagan community, you can get answers from an ordained minister who is licensed to handle these matters and give you some good advice on setting, customs, etc.

Celebrity Authors

2005-09-27T15:50:00.000-07:00

The Gun Moll and I were walking through Olympia, Wa. the other day when we happened onto a small hole-in-the-wall bookstore. Not used books, all new, just a tiny little hipster bookshop. And immediately I started free-associating and thought “I wonder if they have any of those celebrity children’s books?” and for a moment I considered asking the woman who was working the desk (it was a REAL desk at that, small and ordinary, but a desk nonetheless) when I reconsidered. The reason I reconsidered was because if she got a warm look in her eyes and said “Yes, actually we do.” I would have responded with “I fucking HATE those things” and that would have seemed like an ambush question when it really wasn’t. I just hate the concept of children’s books (or anything else) being written by celebrities. What the fuck do they know and why is their shit being published? Are they really going to rival Mercy Meyers?

For me the whole thing started with Gen Norman Schwartzkopf’s autobiography “It Doesn’t Take a Hero” which presumably refers to the first adventure in the Iraqi theatre, and I must say he is correct. It really DOESN’T take a hero to defeat a nation whose army surrendered to a CBS news crew. From there we had Mick Foley’s book “Have a Nice Day” which was HIS autobiography, although I will confess that his life was probably more interesting than the General’s. I never heard of “The Bear” taking a piledriver from Triple H onto a litter of thumbtacks. Then Chyna (Jody Benson?) of the WWF wrote HER autobiography, then Violent Jay from ICP

Since the whole autobiography thing was getting passé, why not blaze a new trail? How about children’s books?! Before you can say “hack writer” Danny DeVito has one, Madonna has written something called a “Qabbalah” children’s book (the fuck is that shit? If they unravel the mystery of it they see baby Jesus?), and the last fucking straw for me was that Cassandra Peterson, Elvira the Mistress of the Dark herself, has written a children’s book. I am sure Louisa May Alcott would be thrilled to know she has such esteemed company.

Let’s see what Jane Yolen has to say. Ms. Yolen?

Jane Yolen, a prize-winning children's book author, contends that "celebrity children's books eat up all the available oxygen ... I have over 250 books out, have won a great number of awards within the field, have been given four honorary doctorates for my body of work, but have never been on 'Oprah' or spoken to Katie Couric or gotten a $100,000 advance for my work.

"I am not complaining. I do very well by the ordinary parameters of the field. But I have been thinking about getting out my pointy bra and brushing up on my singing and dancing because there's no good pop music out there. And because -- you know -- if it's celebrity they want ...''

I can’t wait til Jessica Simpleton writes hers…Charlie the Dogfish: The Animal Who Was Confused as to Whether He Was a Dog Or a Fish.

In the Name of Charity?

2005-09-26T15:38:00.000-07:00

So apparently Oprah has decided to donate $10 million, yeah, I said MILLION US dollars to the Hurricane Katrina relief fund. If I am not mistaken, that is the single-largest contribution made my a private citizen. Wal-Mart Corporation donated $15 million dollars, a noble gesture from a company desperately in need of good PR. Which brings me to my point, actually.

Guy at work was telling me last night that he heard about Oprah’s generosity on the radio and his wife was raving about how wonderful a person Oprah is for donating so much cash like that. The radio guy and my friend, however, were not so impressed. The talk-show host was complaining how based on income, Oprah’s gift amounted to the equivalent of a man making $50,000 a year donating $175. So they were completely unimpressed and feel it was nothing more than a publicity stunt.

My question is: Who fucking CARES!?! Send that money Oprah, you ridiculously rich, insanely annoying TV personality! For fuck’s sake why can people NOT just say “wow, that’s a cool move” as opposed to bitching and whining that it’s not enough? Mogadishu Jones makes his charitable donations ever fucking week and maybe after a thousand years they will add up to $10 million. I don’t care if Oprah is doing it because the majority of those affected are black, if it is a publicity stunt, if it’s a tax write-off, or a wild hair up her ass. Those people need fucking help, if only so that they will realize it is time to MOVE out of that area!

The ENTIRE Bush cabinet is oil barons and defense contractors but no one cares. Gas prices are climbing through the roof, and no one cares. Oprah donates $10 million dollars and everyone bitches she didn’t give MORE. How much did Cheney or Dubya donate? How much is Haliburton going to give back from those no-bid contracts?

I could care less if Oprah made that billion dollars of hers through her book club and the morons who watch her show and buy the products advertised there. That is not my problem since I do not watch TV, and if I did, Oprah would be near the bottom of the list of things I would watch if did. It really fucking bothers me that Wal-Mart made it’s billions by destroying small-town America and raping its workforce, but what can I do?

I am just glad they are doing SOMETHING.

Telling tales and Pirate sails

2005-09-25T12:24:00.000-07:00

Mogadishu Jones won’t be giving all his hos and dawgs a shout out this morning - he’s doing study research for a test – cramming with a couple of girls from school, I think he said.

So Once again ‘twill be I - The Gun Moll at the helm of this here sleek ship!

Avast!

RAMMING SPEED!

Yahaarr!

STAND BY FOR BOARDING!

Friday, September 23, 2005 ^~^ We Got the Beat

callie2 said…

oooh! you want to see my boobies too??

Mogadishu Jones Won’t turn down a decent offer like that Callie2 – come on over or e-mail them to him!

Wednesday, September 21, 2005 ^~^ the box

The Gun Moll said...

ohh man!
this
post is
really lame
compared to
the live wire
that is JAAAY!

..squirrely wrath..!
http://www.illwillpress.com/vault.html

Mogadishu Jones encourages The Gun Moll in every way, always!

Right! & if y’all haven’t’ been to see what Foamy the Squirrel is like – DO IT NOW!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005 ^~^ Breast Size, Warning Labels, and Kissing Cousins

Chocolate said...

These views may or may not be shared by Mogadishu Jones. (Nice disclaimer – but totally unnecessary as Mogadishu Jones is not a girl and there are times when a REAL girl’s advice is far more impressive)

KISSING COUSINS! AND IN KANSAS NO LESS! Dearie.... no having sex with immediete family. And un-immediete family too. They can go to jail, you might be pregnant and have a certified SIDESHOW baby, and you're a silly little thing for even thinking about this.

Kelly. I swere to all that is holy if you say GAY one more time....I'll....I'll.....DROP A HOUSE ON YOU! Gay is not a standin for wierd or stupid or uncool. Secondly, you are 16 fucking years old. End.
Shelly, I don't know what it is with breast size and boys. I may not understand it...but not knowing doesn't help the staring. ^_^

Jones what happened to the world while I was sleeping?

Mogadishu Jones is on top of chocolate 100% - good advice gurl! You’re no wicked witch of the west when it comes to smarts!

Monday, September 19, 2005 ^~^ How to Generate a Buzz and Still Be a Moron

Roxsox said...

you remind me of something. yeah!
Haha. A funny thing happened today. I swear. My sanity is at it's brink. I was casually sitting at the computer, talking to myself in a German accent when my sister came in. She looked scared and/or disturbed.

"Where you just talking to yourself in a German accent?"
"That depends...who wants to know?"
She didn't talk to me for a day.

Mogadishu Jones welcomes Roxsox to the Road to Xibabla and wishes him many happy returns!

callie2 said...

http…it IS almost Halloween..
oh here, this is for you …

Mogadishu Jones is touched by your thoughtfulness Callie2, do you find any fave songs to share with him?

Sunday, September 18, 2005 ^~^ Favorite females feel free!

ORRIN said...

mogadishu jones! your blog is intelligent and thought provoking (I LUV IT!) and I sure do like those neopolitan girls!

Mogadishu Jones knows what you mean – EVERYBODY likes the NEOPOLITAN girls!

Thanks Orrin, go ahead and share the addy around!

strawberry said...

*feels loved* It's so much fun being the neopolitan girls. *smile*

Except when you get a stalker and chocolate and vanilla aren't there to save me >.<; We love you Jones. And If I intended to keep you to myself...I would need to find a way to sneak past Gun Moll...

Mogadishu Jones agrees to that – and you know it would be lots of fun to try!

Saturday, September 17, 2005 ^~^ The Beginning of Change

Crunch said...

Interesting name. You have a great sense of humour, at least it looks like humor. Will return to this site!

Mogadishu Jones admires your bravery, Crunch – you keep commenting so we know you were here!

strawberry said...

*cheers*

That is very true...all of it just...true...

(can you tell I'm not paying attention to what I type?)

Mogadishu Jones just lurves you to pieces, you know strawberry!

Weird News for September

2005-09-24T23:33:00.000-07:00

Editor’s Note: Okay, I thought I would round up some new weird shit for you guys and gals to think about. Also, Jay and I were chatting on the phone (the Iranian clerk won’t be pressing charges) and we decided that I need to do a page devoted to YOU, the readers. And yes, I know I have a weekly letters column, but how about you send in some pics and I publish them? Just think about it. And YES, Callie2, I want to see your boobies.

**************************************************************************

In September, Dr. Paul De Sousa and a research team at the Roslin Institute in Edinburgh, Scotland, told a professional audience that they had just created human embryos from female eggs without using sperm. De Sousa's team employed electrical shocks to "trick" 300 eggs into dividing as if fertilized and was successful six times, creating 50-cell "blastocysts" that could eventually produce stem cells. De Sousa denied that his embryos would be implanted into wombs to create female fetuses (and said his government license does not authorize that), but could grow replacement tissue for a faulty organ of the egg's donor. [National Post (Toronto)-Daily Telegraph (London), 9-10-05]

This is precisely what I need! Grow me some new fucking eyes, gotdamnit!!!! The ones I was born with are really nice to look at (I am told) but they don’t work too fucking well.

City Officials Who Know How to Make News of the Weird: Mayor Felipe Santolia of Espertantina, Brazil, declared last May 9 as "Orgasm Day," pointing out that orgasms seem to make people happier and more productive. And Mayor Gabor Mitynan of a municipal district in Budapest, Hungary, declared in August that female workers should not wear revealing skirts to work unless they have "completely perfect legs," nor crop tops unless they have "well-trained bellies." [ABC News-AP, 5-9-05] [Reuters, 8-26-05]

These guys have their shit together. Expect BOTH to be re-elected numerous times. Orgasm Day is my new favorite holiday!

City council member Yvonne Lamanna, 58, filed a worker compensation claim earlier this year against the city of Penn Hills, Pa., when she suffered a severe back injury as she took her seat at the Feb. 7 council meeting. And the chief minister of the Malaysian state of Kedah ordered all members of the legislature from his party to learn how to catch snakes so they will be ready to help people in distress. "Otherwise," he said in June, "they will be standing there watching helplessly as victims cry (out)." [Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, 3-9-05] [Washington Post-AP, 6-27-05]

I really can’t make shit like this up, my mind is not geared towards creating fiction…I’m just not a storyteller. *shrug*

In July, the Transportation Security Agency fired Houston airport baggage handler Bassam Khalaf when it discovered that he is, off-duty, the "Arabic Assassin," a rap singer whose lyrics, according to TSA, glorify the 9-11 hijackers and threaten similar mayhem on the United States in the future. (Khalaf said his lyrics were an innocent effort to gain notoriety as a performer.) [MSNBC-AP, 7-14-05]

Freedom of Speech? What’s that? Fuck the First Amendment, this is America, Land of the Free, Home of the Brainwashed.

In July, envelope-pushing strip club owner Howard White changed the main sign for his joint on Century Boulevard near Los Angeles International Airport from "Live Nude Nude Nudes" to "Vaginas R Us." Neighboring merchants immediately complained, but city officials said that "vagina" is simply not an obscene word. However, the city did cite White's sign for being made of illegal combustible vinyl. At press time, opponents of the sign were trying to encourage the Toys R Us company to force White to abandon the name as too similar to its own protected trademark. [Daily Breeze (Torrance, Calif.), 8-8-05]

I don’t normally go to strip clubs, but I think I would HAVE to visit one with that name…

Chris Hackett, 33, built a small functional bomb that he was set to exhibit in the Lower Manhattan Cultural Council in New York City around the time of the Sept. 11 remembrances, but tried to assure worried exhibitors that it was only an art project and would not explode. Hackett is the artist who in January 2004 blew up part of his face when a propane tank exploded as he was hooking it up to fire a confetti cannon. [New York Observer, 8-22-05]

Amir Husain, 17, and Anthony Nauman, 18, who allegedly burglarized a home in Mundelein, Ill., in August, were easily tracked down by police after the pair decided to build a Web site and post photos of their loot for sale, along with their contact information. [WMAQ-TV (Chicago), 8-16-05]

You see, THIS is the reason insurance rates are so gotdamn high. If only we had a Stupid People License….

In the early morning hours of a July day on the Eastern Freeway in Doncaster, Australia, when a driver on a restricted permit was stopped for speeding (at the equivalent of more than 120 mph), he told the officer in apparent seriousness that he didn't realize the police worked that late. (We're a "24-hour organization," said a police spokesman.) [The Age (Melbourne), 8-1-05]

Hey, who knew? There are towns so small that the police AREN’T 24 hour organizations. Or so I am led to believe.

British insurance companies occasionally write policies on unconventional risks, as News of the Weird reported in 1996, when Goodfellow Rebecca Ingrams Pearson wrote a $160,000-equivalent policy covering alien abduction (including pregnancies resulting from the abduction, even if it is a male who gets pregnant, in the event that the aliens have such extraordinary powers that they can impregnate males). In July 2005, sponsors of the Visit Scotland Adventure Triathlon in Loch Ness announced they had purchased insurance from the company NIG to pay up to the equivalent of $1.8 million in case any of the competitors are attacked by the Loch Ness monster. [Mail & Guardian (Johannesburg), 7-5-05]

After you kill all the lawyers, kill all the insurance agents. If these fucktards had spent that money on worthwhile projects instead of trivial bullshit the world would be a better fucking place.

A truck hauling 8,000 live chickens overturned after being forced off the road near St. John's, Newfoundland, in July when, on a two-lane highway, a car veered into the wrong lane and headed for the truck. (Thus, the car driver might be said to have won the inadvertent game of "chicken" with the chicken-truck driver.) [Financial Times, 7-17-05] [Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, 7-22-05]

I cannot think of anything silly enough to out-do the article itself.

We Got the Beat

2005-09-23T19:14:00.000-07:00

I know the coolest people on planet Earth and I have met quite a few of them on the ‘Net, but I have met more than a few in my travels around the globe. Yelena, Zoran, Mira, and the rest of the Croatians…Daniel in Kenya… Ian Sheehan and Kazushi down in Sydney, Australia…Suivale and Vi (Tongan women are HAWT) in Samoa…the list goes on. The following is a nearly verbatim transcript of a conversation I had earlier with one of the Neapolitan Grrrls, this one being Chocolate, the most laconic of the trio. I thought this particular conversation was note worthy and decided to share it with the world. Hope you don’t mind me not asking permission, Chocolate, but I happen to have my lawyer on speed-dial.
**********************************************************************************

Chocolate (3:48:02 PM): gah

Chocolate (3:48:54 PM): I'm sleepy.

Mogadishu Jones (3:49:31 PM): silly Chocolate.

Mogadishu Jones (3:49:35 PM): take a nap

Chocolate (3:49:52 PM): I might but I've got to do a show in like an hour.

Mogadishu Jones (3:50:13 PM): oh?

Chocolate (3:50:20 PM): Yeah

Mogadishu Jones (3:50:30 PM): shaking that booty?

Chocolate (3:50:37 PM): no

Mogadishu Jones (3:50:55 PM): eh, I can dream...

Chocolate (3:51:09 PM): lol

Mogadishu Jones (3:52:14 PM): what play are you in now, my little Thespian?

Chocolate (3:52:22 PM): Same one.

Mogadishu Jones (3:52:38 PM): ah, good call

Chocolate (3:53:25 PM): This sucks we're doing “One flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” and I wish I could be in it but...stupid boys being most of the cast

Mogadishu Jones (3:54:01 PM): *nod* There is a Nurse in that, if I remember correctly. She's a total bitch though.

Chocolate (3:54:45 PM): Yeah its like two nurses and that’s it. So I might be in rumors.

Mogadishu Jones (3:55:07 PM): oh believe me, you already are...

Chocolate (3:55:20 PM): “Rumors”...that play dummy head.

Mogadishu Jones (3:55:29 PM): oh, my bad...

Chocolate (4:02:00 PM): BORED!

Mogadishu Jones (4:02:22 PM): how could you be bored, you're talking to me?

Chocolate (4:02:33 PM): Right...

Chocolate (4:03:11 PM): You give stupid people great advice by the way.

Mogadishu Jones (4:03:20 PM): Why thank you.

Mogadishu Jones (4:03:40 PM): And I will ignore the sarcasm in your voice because of your mammoth mammaries.

Chocolate (4:04:09 PM): Bastard. And there was no sarcasm.

Mogadishu Jones (4:04:36 PM): Bitch. And yes, the "Right..." was REEKING of sarcasticness!

Chocolate (4:04:46 PM): NUH UH!

Chocolate (4:05:44 PM): I'm sort of surprised the president hasn't blamed the hurricanes on terrorists.

Mogadishu Jones (4:06:08 PM): *snicker* that fucktard is just glad that Cindy Sheehan didn't have any relatives in Louisiana.

Chocolate (4:06:25 PM): lol

Chocolate (4:06:43 PM): The thing is I bet people would believe him

Mogadishu Jones (4:07:08 PM): oh yeah...so, how long is the “Wizard” play running?

Chocolate (4:07:37 PM): This is my last night. There is another show tomorrow but I'm not in it so I think I'll hang out at the tailgate and then get out of there.

Mogadishu Jones (4:08:26 PM): the tailgate?

Chocolate (4:08:47 PM): Yeah sort of like a pre cast party in the school parking lot.

Mogadishu Jones (4:09:39 PM): ahhh. Don’t get drunk, and skip the beer. Too many carbs for a guy let alone a teenage grrrl.

Chocolate (4:10:28 PM): Its on school grounds to it’s a felony to bring beer there anyway/ not only that but beer is liquid hate.

Mogadishu Jones (4:10:56 PM): according to this chick at work, Whiskey is made from condoms and boxing gloves.

Mogadishu Jones (4:11:05 PM): I am inclined to agree with her.

Chocolate (4:11:08 PM): good to know.

Chocolate (4:14:47 PM): I'll be fine.

Mogadishu Jones (4:15:35 PM): you already are, trust me

Chocolate (4:15:48 PM): lol

Chocolate (4:20:11 PM): that kid from Kansas really scares me.

Mogadishu Jones (4:22:25 PM): the 13 year old?

Chocolate (4:22:49 PM): yeah

Mogadishu Jones (4:23:14 PM): *sigh* I hope that that was a prank letter...

Chocolate (4:23:32 PM): I hope most of them are frankly.

Mogadishu Jones (4:23:57 PM): I dunno, some sound pretty real. You never can be 100% sure

Chocolate (4:24:15 PM): That’s quite true

Mogadishu Jones (4:24:41 PM): some of the fakest sounding shit I have ever read has been in syndicated columns like Dear Abby...

Chocolate (4:24:58 PM): Yeah how do these people find you?

Mogadishu Jones (4:25:15 PM): silly, do you not look at my sidebar?

Chocolate (4:25:41 PM): I know that but you get like how many e-mails about this a week?

Mogadishu Jones (4:25:56 PM): it varies

Chocolate (4:26:20 PM): Ah

Mogadishu Jones (4:26:34 PM): sometimes it's clearly spam, some just looks like spam...

Mogadishu Jones (4:26:48 PM): so unless the subject is blog or Advice, I dump em

Chocolate (4:27:02 PM): good idea

Chocolate (4:28:05 PM): jeepers it’s cold in my house

Mogadishu Jones (4:28:14 PM): headlights on?

Chocolate (4:28:55 PM): I think I know what that means and no

Mogadishu Jones (4:29:07 PM): *nod* just asking...

Chocolate (4:29:36 PM): s'ok

Chocolate (4:32:11 PM): wow...I looked up Goth on Amazon.com and is seems like its a profitable image.

Chocolate (4:32:34 PM): that makes me sad

Mogadishu Jones (4:32:37 PM): oh, it is...it is. Elvira made a career off of it.

Mogadishu Jones (4:32:51 PM): she was a natural red, you know

Chocolate (4:33:07 PM): lol Damn if I had red hair I wouldn't dye it.

Mogadishu Jones (4:33:22 PM): she didn't, it was a wig

Chocolate (4:33:30 PM): Ooh.

Chocolate (4:33:34 PM): Duh

Mogadishu Jones (4:33:34 PM): yah

Mogadishu Jones (4:33:44 PM): and her boobs were real

Mogadishu Jones (4:33:50 PM): which was quite impressive

Chocolate (4:34:44 PM): agreed. Why you think its such a popular image...other then the whole Manson thing

Chocolate (4:36:11 PM): JONES! Answer my random question.

Mogadishu Jones (4:36:21 PM): easy, sweater kitten

Mogadishu Jones (4:36:28 PM): I am coming up with a good response

Chocolate (4:36:34 PM): ok...

Mogadishu Jones (4:36:41 PM): trying to, but the thought of your M&M's keeps intruding

Chocolate (4:37:01 PM): grrrr

Mogadishu Jones (4:37:04 PM): anyway, I think the big appeal is that black is the color of mystery...

Mogadishu Jones (4:37:50 PM): people who are in and of themselves ordinary seek to become more exotic, more mysterious...more SPECIAL.

Mogadishu Jones (4:38:15 PM): they want to proclaim their individuality by joining a community of like-minded people.

Chocolate (4:38:29 PM): to be different you have to be the same?

Mogadishu Jones (4:38:38 PM): yeah, silly isn't it?

Chocolate (4:38:48 PM): yeah

Allow me to interrupt this conversation to point out something I should have pointed out earlier to Chocolate while we were having this conversation: The 80’s all-girl band The Go-Go’s scored their first big hit with “We Got the Beat.” Most people in America had no idea that these four young, vibrant girls were formerly punk-rockers performing at legendary NYC club CBGB and that this song was an anthem about selling out and going mainstream. Just a fun fact I thought I would share. And as long as I am sharing, let me tell you, Chocolate could make a nice living just playing DDR and charging people to watch. I haven’t seen her profile, but the view from the front is GOTDAMN impressive. Anyway, back to our story…

Mogadishu Jones (4:39:20 PM): you are rejecting your parent’s mores and norms by wearing black, all white teenagers born after 1970 seem to go through it.

Mogadishu Jones (4:39:51 PM): I didn't even realize I was when I was doing it...course, there were no other white teenagers around for me to check myself against...

Mogadishu Jones (4:40:10 PM): so I just made myself an even larger target.

Chocolate (4:40:21 PM): ooh

Mogadishu Jones (4:40:46 PM): *nod* Familiar with Jung's concept of the archetype?

Chocolate (4:40:58 PM): Maybe. Not by that title

Mogadishu Jones (4:41:43 PM): but you do know that he postulated that there are basic figures that any culture can recognize? samurai/knight/etc?

Chocolate (4:41:55 PM): yes

Mogadishu Jones (4:43:18 PM): well, apparently Western culture is generating a new social archetype...a rebellious creature that finds only sorrow in the decadence of their parent culture until they can find their place in it.

Mogadishu Jones (4:44:01 PM): you don't see that in third world nations like Botswana, Nicaragua, or India because those people are too busy struggling to LIVE to bemoan the plight of having to endure life.

Mogadishu Jones (4:44:22 PM): and I am sure they would agree with me that Cradle of Filth sucks out loud.

Chocolate (4:44:33 PM): mmm'yep

Chocolate (4:44:37 PM): It does make sense.

Mogadishu Jones (4:45:03 PM): you know I lurve you, baby?

Chocolate (4:45:18 PM): Um sure?

Mogadishu Jones (4:45:29 PM): you didn't know that or you are now feeling antsy?

Chocolate (4:46:20 PM): I don't know why you would. just some weird kid on the internet.

Mogadishu Jones (4:47:56 PM): you are politically minded...I respect that. You are socially aware, socially active, and fun to chat with when you aren’t getting paranoid I am a rapist.

Chocolate (4:48:18 PM): lol. Oh. Thanks

Mogadishu Jones (4:48:43 PM): plus, you have really huge boobs.

Chocolate (4:48:53 PM): GRRRR

Mogadishu Jones (4:49:06 PM): you're beautiful when you're angry

Chocolate (4:50:24 PM): Bah

The Dangers of Smoking

2005-09-22T17:43:00.000-07:00

Editors Note: The following may be Jay “But Can You Kick MY Ass?” Ward’s last posting for a bit, as he is likely on his way to jail. That being said, I laughed so hard when I read this, I had tears squirting from my eyes. I do not recommend reading this while drinking or eating.

*****************************

What separates a quality product from an okay product? Is it marketing? Does it depend on what celebrity endorses it? Does it matter if the quality one saves money? Or makes our life easier? The reason I wonder this is because my favorite product never has a celebrity commercial. I could be wrong on this but I have never seen a single advertisement for Bic lighters. Why is this? Is it because they have already cornered the market on disposable lighters? Is Bic an immaculate production to the consumer? Did they ever advertise? If not, why? If so, why did they stop? I do not know the answer to this question but I would definitely like to know if anyone does in fact know the history of Bic lighters.

Why is Bic the greatest lighter ever? It’s an easy question to answer. They are the most reliable, durable lighter available at your local convenience store. They are cheap too. So, imagine my horror when I stumbled into AM/PM at about fifteen before two. Last call, bitches. I am just piss drunk from the two forties of 211 Steel Reserve I had ingested prior to this. It all started with a minor disagreement with my old lady. We were arguing about some shit she was saying about me not listening, I’m not sure exactly what she was pissed at. Before she walks out the door, our last exchange goes something like this.

“I’m going to Monday night football.” She says.

“Can I go?” I say.

“I’d rather you not.”

“Why not!”

“Cause you’re being a dick.”

“And you’re fat.”

“No I’m not and you know that, I can totally get someone better than you and you know it.”

“That’s fucked up, you’re just leaving now?”

“Yeah.”

“Well fine then get the fuck out you disease ridden whore, I’m sick of looking at your mouth, you have shadow stains on your face from all the cocks you sucked.”

“That was creative, Didn’t you forget to say bitch and cunt?

“No! I just figured they were implied cum bucket.”

“Fuck you!”

After this little discourse, I decided to go get some beer and not go to work. Fuck it. I head to AM/PM and grab my sweet bottle of bliss. Make that two sweet bottles of bliss. I walk home carrying my catch and think of masturbating when I get home. I finish the first one while watching King of the Hill. Then a couple of us play darts for sometime.

“Where she at?” asks Shawn.

“Out” I reply.

“Hey I was looking at porn yesterday.” Says Shawn.

“On the Internet or DVD?

“Internet.”

“Man, DVD is the best shit in the world.”

“So anyways, I’m looking at Max Hard-core. This chic is on him backwards and he’s fuckin the shit out of her ass and grabbing the side of her mouth with his hand. Then all of a sudden he rips her off his cock and jams his dick down her throat. And he’s like slamming his dick down this girls throat and she’s gagging and shit.”

“Ass To Mouth, ATM.”

“Yeah, but then she starts throwing up on his balls and shit and he pulls her off real quick and slaps her in the face and shoves a cigarette in her mouth and tells her to ‘get with the program’”

“Sounds cool.”

“Man that’s the funniest shit I’ve ever seen. I couldn’t stop laughing.”

“I’m gonna grab my other forty.”

As I play darts and drink. I smoke all my cigarettes and I got like three left and one forty. It seems like I’m always on the way to the store for something. Even writing this now, I’m gonna go to the store when I’m done to get supplies. Luckily for me that night, there was beer in the fridge. I drank the rest of the evening racking up about 5 more kills to the 12 pack of Newcastle’s in the fridge. A lot happened in a short period of time. Most of it is idle chit chat with waves of laughter and disgustingness. I don’t remember what really happens during this period. But I can say I enjoyed myself and that some people don’t have a very good sense of humor. I think you’d be surprised at how many people I meet who have no sense of humor. Then it all begins. Ruth comes home.

“You not go to work today?”

“Nope.”

“Wanna play darts?” she asks.

“Fuck you, you bitch.”

“Whatever, you’re drunk.”

“And you’re hogging up all the ugly.”

“Go the fuck away.”

“Fuck you!”

Needless to say we weren’t getting along. I can’t believe the bitchy attitude she had when she came home. I head out the door to the 24-hour Mecca of commerce AM/PM. Cigarettes are a bitch, but I love to smoke. Its so much fun and I look really cool doing it. I need cigs and this is the closest place. I generally prefer 7/11 because the Slurpy kicks the shit out of an Icee any day of the week. But unfortunately there is not one around here. I probably go to this store numerous times a week and have never been suprised. After tonight I would never be able to make this statement again.

“Pack a Winstons and a lighter.”

The clerk hands me my shit without asking for ID I usually get carded everywhere.

“4.89”

“What the fuck is this? Can I have a Bic?”

All they have is Cricket is all I can decipher from the Somali working there who barely speaks English. I get all irate and go off on this Muslim dude and begin yelling about how Cricket can suck my ass and lick my balls. He’s trying to tell me to get out because people are coming in the store because its almost 2 in the morning. I’m swaying all over the place and am extremely drunk and by myself. Not a good combination. I throw the lighter at the dark motherfucker and he jumps over the counter and grabs me by my neck. I’m in shock at first. And then I’m not sure exactly what happened but I remember swinging and hitting the guy and seeing him go down. I’m pretty sure I kicked him a couple times too. This little Mexican standing behind me just looked at me and then left without paying for his beer. He was laughing. I picked up the dark blue Cricket lighter, noticed the camera looking directly at me. I grabbed a Reeses p.b. cup and walked the fuck out. I didn’t see any blood, but I think I got him in the temple and he was out cold. I ran across the street and half way down the alley and stopped and lit my cigarette. With my crappy Cricket lighter. I prefer a Bic to any other lighter for so many reasons. Bics always work and I rarely break or completely use one whole lighter. I lose them, find them half full and they are always stolen. They are great for smoking bowls, lighting campfires, cigs or just playing with them in general. A Zippo is a fun lighter also; the only problem is that you can taste the gas when you hit a bong with it. This sad fact automatically 86’s this brand. I don’ even wanna waste my time explaining why Scriptos and Crickets and any other piece of shit lighter are a waste of money. I wish I could do commercials for Bic and show that they are used for more than just smoking and arsons. Even though Bics are the best, this particular dark blue Cricket is my favorite lighter in the world.

On my way home I wonder if she’ll fuck me when I get home. Should I tell her what happened? Is my face scratched or anything? Fuck it. I think to myself, ‘I wonder if I can find that website he was talking about?’

the box

2005-09-21T09:11:00.000-07:00

GET OUT OF THAT BOX!

Unless you are still a kid in elementary school

and your parents let you play in the box the new spa showed up in – wait a mo~ that’s still fun even if you're not a kid!

The Gun Moll has decided that way too many people she likes are still addicted to .. ‘the box’..

and it is high time she did something about it! Here would be choice bootay from her treasure chest of strange goodness, feel free to attempt any of these activities at home or out in public - however be assured that crying to the police that The Gun Moll told you to do it will in NO way keep you out of jail, so BEWARE!

Y’haarr! The International Talk Like a Pirate Day was yesterday!
The Gun Moll agreed to a few things on the phone with a resounding Y’haarr!
( Her personal favorite of the Pirate words - comment in with yours! )
She even heard several Pyrannical terms and accented barbs of verbosity from her favorite chiropractic shop - BACK on TRACK of Lacey, WA.

We can only hope that your own world allows you to exchange a few salty tags and grommets with friends and strangers alike~
Walking about the late summer boardwalk,
‘tis easy to inspire babes, toddlers and other wild eyed characters with a lopsided grin and the element of surprise!

Look at this.

Let your mind relax.. the sweltery hot late Summer day, nothing to rush off to, it’s a pretty clean place, no dead fish floating belly up with raucus gulls fighting over it, no rodentia peering with oh so greedy virulant eyes from behind tipped trash cans, no pedofiles clutching the center of their raincoats...don't fret..

It’s a Nice. Friendly. Outing. ENJOY!

Take a few steps away from your computer – you know The Gun Moll does, and fairly regularly too, so take a page from her book – Get out and

Explore!

Adventure!

Share life and the thrill of living with your friends and family ..

before fate snatches some one away and your life will never be the same so you learn to build new friendships - make closer friends into your chosed family, you and everyone your life touches needs to know that you accept them. {not as PERFECT - but as one welcome with all thier own foibles as well.}
Let your mind relax, and think of all the places you promised yourself, your friends & family that you really would go back to.. don't keep your sweet dreams and special times be locked like a secret garden~